Certain Uncertainty

So during the time of all of my eye diagnosis, we have had other kids receive an  educational diagnoses and one going through a time of worry and stress (and John started his MBA, because of course there can't be only ONE big thing going on at the same time;). One of my kids has been seeing a great counselor to help process and learn how to handle stress. We have helped at home as much as we can, but with what I am going through currently, I decided now was a good season to outsource that discussion to a wise counselor! After the second or third session, she came home with a picture. The counselor, who is trained in both counseling and sports psychology, told her that athletes performance and progress comes in waves, you progress and then you plateau and go back into a learning or struggling place until you get another skill and your progress is on an upswing and so on. She told her that your emotions shouldn't "ride the waves" of your progress. Your feelings about yourself shouldn't follow the pink line of your peaks and valleys of performance. She said we want to work on getting you to this green line, your emotions are going to struggle as you have victories and defeats but they should only move minimally because how you feel about yourself shouldn't be dictated by your performance. Ideally, you would follow a straight line, the black line, and your feelings about yourself and confidence in who you are wouldn't be moved by your circumstance in your sport or at school or with what is going on in life.

Now this counselor is not a Christian counselor, but she revealed a Biblical truth to my daughter that I have been trying to teach her since she could walk. And bringing this lesson back up at a time in my life where there are some pretty big waves of disappointment, struggle, and shock was pretty timely for me as well. You see, I don't want to "ride the waves" of this diagnosis. I don't want every appointment to knock the wind out of me and put me down on the ground of despair or feeling crushed. Is it hard to hear bad news? Yes. I posted this just the other week. 

Another tough week of news about my diagnosis. A substantial amount of progression since 6 weeks ago. Talks of the doctor saying I may need to give my license up in the next few years. A line gone on the eye chart that wasn’t supposed to happen until later. A huge amount of vision gone in my peripheral with staggeringly small numbers remaining. This is news. Bad news. Heavy news. But still just news. “But what I have access to is a truth that transcends news. The restoration that is impossible with man’s limitations is always possible with a limitless God. Truth is what factors God unto the equation” -Lysa Terkeurst "It doesn’t  have to be this way". 
 I’m clinging to that truth as things start to fade or surprise me throughout the day. I’m enjoying another sunset, another blue sky day, my kids faces, but those things are not ultimate. He is. The man who gave up his very life so he could call me daughter. He is truth. The truth that he journeyed to a cross and was tortured so that I could have spiritual eyes to see him. The truth that he conquered death and then extended me an invitation to life, to really live, sight or no sight. That truth is worth it. And even though the news feels big and sad, he’s better. He’s steady. He’s good. He’s with me. And that truth carries me through. “He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid”

Psalms 112:7-8a #letitbetrueofme

Big news is hard to handle and process and it can be sad and overwhelming and frustrating. I didn't want to hear that I may lose my ability to drive in the next 2 years or so. I didn't want to hear that it is progressing faster than they thought. That is a low point. But I don't want my feelings about my life to fluctuate with my circumstances. It is ok to grieve and be sad, and I have definitely had those days as I think of what I used to think the future would look like and what it may look like instead very soon. But bad news doesn't have to equal despair. It can hurt but it doesn't have to consume and crush. Jesus is my straight line. Because my identity is rooted in Him, I don't have to ride the waves of my circumstances. I can stay relatively steady as these waves come and go because what he says about me is TRUTH and this is just news. I am not the equivalent of my abilities or my sight. I am a daughter of God, who Jesus died to save, who is promised that I am upheld by an unchanging, unshakeable God with limitless wisdom and power. He is my straight line when my life is hard. He is  my straight line in victory. I look to him when I fall because he picks me up. I look to him when I succeed because it is Him in me that gives me any victory I may have. He is steady when I am not. He is unchanging when I feel like I'm blowing in the wind. He says I am enough, loved, able, powerful, treasured when I feel otherwise. 

Our pastor spoke this Sunday on root idols that cause our hearts to stumble. The four being Power, Control, Approval, and Pleasure. Power says I can do it on my own and I can succeed. Success is what drives me, my performance is what matters, I just need to be better than the person next to me. Control says I need things to happen my way, I can put in the right work and I should get the right result, things should go as I dream or as a plan. Approval says What people say about me is ultimate, I don't want for people to think bad of me, I don't want to feel low, I want to feel liked and accepted at all times. Pleasure says I deserve this good thing, I deserve happiness and comfort at every turn. I will go after my own ease and comfort because that is what life is about. These things are the root of so much pain and deceiving about what life with God can be. As I processed these, I know Control is my biggest struggle. I want things to ultimately work out like I hope they would. I want to parent my kids and be ensured they turn out how I want them to, I want to know what the next 5 and 10 year plan looks like and for it to go according to that. 

Blindness turns all these on their head. It attacks each one of these in varying degrees. Power? No, I am taking a low place, success will not come without major obstacles, my "performance" goes down because simple tasks now become insurmountable tasks. Control? No. My life, my diagnosis, my speed of progressing is completely out of my control. Soon I won't even be able to drive a car or grocery shop or sort laundry, much less have my life under “control”. Approval? No. Blindness is a disability that lowers your social standing. You are looked upon with pity or sympathy. People assume you are unable. Pleasure? Not as much, not like the world sees it, My ability to see is compromised, I can't enjoy a sunset or a beautiful landscape. I can't run with ease, I can't enjoy a beautiful afternoon drive. But these are illusions. These are what the world says is good, not what God says is eternal or ultimate. He has the power, he is in control, he gives me approval and acceptance regardless of my performance, and he is my source of pleasure and joy, not sight or anything that this world offers up as good. So I will keep on running after that steady line that Jesus offers. I’ll keep holding my ever changing emotions up to my never changing God and ask him to exchange it for truth.