Invitations

Well, I can hardly put words on paper. I feel amazed and speechless at all that has happened the last 4 months, yet also like I have enough words that would fill an ocean to do any of it justice. It feels like such a sacred, intimate story to me, but yet I know I am a steward of it and want to share it in the best way I can. I cannot aspire to manage how you respond to it all, so I will just try and take you on the journey I have been on.

Since what happened in Montana in July of 2020 (previous post), I knew God was inviting me into something that I could not yet put my finger on, but there was an undeniable stirring in my heart, like something was about to happen or be asked of me. Months went by as the kids started a new school and we plugged into life in a new place. January came around and a friend of mine mentioned something about a Healing Prayer she was attending and something in my spirit jumped as if I knew I was supposed to do it. I had never even heard of what that was, much less knew what it entailed, but I knew it was a clear invitation from the Lord I was going to accept. I got in with the lady within a week. I met with my counselor the day before and told her, I didn't know what this would be like, but I knew whatever God asked of me I wanted to say yes to. I think I joked with her, whether he asks me to tear down the house we are building or move to Africa or have another kid, anything, I want to obey exactly what he says. I arrived January 8 and it ended up being a beautiful mix of counseling and prayer. We did work of forgiveness in places and asked God for freedom in other places, we asked God to speak in ways I hadn't before. She then asked me about my diagnosis. Her exact question was "What is your theological backing for not asking for healing up until this point?" Wow. I sputtered out a few things, each she responded with scripture. I told her how John 9 had been a comfort when the disciples asked Jesus if this man's sin or his parents' sin had caused his blindness and Jesus responded in verse 3 "Neither this man nor his parents sin, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him". I told her how that had been an anchor for me and my prayer, that God's glory would be on display as I walked the road of this diagnosis. She said "Well you took that verse out of context, he is healed two verses later". She challenged me to read all of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Acts. To read each account of healing, what happened before, during and after, how almost each person asked and participated in their healing. It was a jostling experience for sure. I wanted to be open to what God had for me, but this conversation started a wrestling. 

For days, I poured over scripture, prayed as I read it, asked for help to understand, asked why this was so hard for me, asked why I had yet to ask for healing when so many people were already praying for it for me and I refused. I know healing has been misused and mis-prioritized in faith so often and I wanted to steer clear from any prosperity gospel or prayer life that just asked for the gifts of God more than it asked for God himself. But as I read each account for healing, each became a soft invitation to look into the heart of the Father and respond as a daughter. I told God, I didn't know how to ask for healing, I didn't know if I wanted it, I didn't know if it was all because I didn't think he was able or if it was because I just didn't think he was willing. A wrestling was the best way to describe those months in my prayer life and in time in the Word. My foundation wasn't shaken, but my understanding was obviously unraveling, as if it had ever been together in the first place. 

February approached and a friend was talking a prophetic prayer night she was attending that next week. Just like the last time, my spirit jumped and spoke before my mind thought or my mouth put it together. I was supposed to be there. Again, I had no idea what that even was, but I knew God wanted me there.  I told her I would be interested in going and she explained it was a small event, only 6 people or so, and it was full and wouldn't happen again for months to a year. I walked away confused, why would God make that invitation so clear and even cause my soul to jump at it, but it not be an opportunity. I moved on from it and a few days later, the night before it was supposed to take place, I got a text that said someone couldn't come due to Covid, did I want to come. Again, in amazement I accepted and had no idea what I was stepping into. That night I walked into a room of women where I only knew one. A lady approached me and said "I heard about your eyes and I have been contending for your healing, and as I see you tonight I know he has already done it. When you walked in I saw something like a banner over you that said ‘Healed’". Confused but intrigued by her words and boldness, I thanked her for her care and we moved on to what the night held. This beautiful older woman explained that the gift of prophesy, as explained in 1 Corinthians is to edify and encourage the believer. It is not a mystical fortune teller or way to decide what to do in your future, but it is just another way to listen to what the Father is already saying to you. As she spoke over other women, I think part of me was skeptical and curious. I kept praying, God just let me know it is you. And again whatever you say, I want to obey. She came to me and said many things, here were just a few. But the first words out of her mouth were "You have a childlike faith, a faith that whatever God says you obey, you want to do it". The exact phrase screaming in my heart for the last month and the last 20 minutes she looked into my eyes and said with confidence. She continued, "You have had some challenges come in your faith lately and you think you've wavered but God doesn't see it that way, he just sees your childlike faith. The things you have not seen, that you know he has spoken, you know he is growing your faith. Isaiah 43 tells us God does things for his namesake, because his reputation is on the line, and he doesn't send forth his word without it accomplishing the purposes for what he sent it for, and God is making some promises to you that you haven't seen fulfilled and he did not speak those words in vain. Those words will set in motion the things he promised in his time. You don't get to be an overcomer without having obstacles. The things that others may see as obstacles, you know they're faith builders, maybe people see those as walls or blockades but you see them as hurdles to sail over with the Lord. When you get to the other side you will look back and see where you've come from. This coming year God is going to ask you to take inventory of those things you have believed for, that you have seen fulfilled and how he fulfilled it. And you write don't you? These will become your testimonies that encourage others, so as you write them down, God will use it to touch other hearts. He's not a respecter of person, if he does things in your life and other people hear about it, it raises their level of faith that he can do it in their life. This might be new to you, but it's not new to God. You have the word of God and you have faith and you are an overcomer. As you put pen to paper, let God whisper to people as you write." I was shaken as I sat there and heard her say the very prayer I prayed as I waited for her to speak. God knocked down a few of my walls that day that I had unknowingly and ignorantly limited him by.

As I met with my counselor week after week, she would ask, "So you said you were going to do whatever God asked you to, he didn't ask you to move to Africa or tear down your house, those things would've been easier for you to do than the thing he has asked. He has asked you to ask for healing and it's been made clear to you, so why are you not asking?" You see, I had tried asking but I had been asking like a scared child that thought her dad may not want to do it so I didn't want to bother him with a request that felt selfish. My counselor not so gently ;) pointed out that it was also because I didn't want to introduce disappointment into my walk with the Lord as far as it depended on me. Walking the diagnosis with peace and acceptance, knowing what was coming, even blindness,  was easier than embracing the risk of the ask. But she said "Kylie, you cant micro-manage your potential future disappointment for the Lord, if you ask for healing and the answer is no or not now, then disappointment will be the vehicle for your healing. But don't limit him because you are afraid of disappointment, he can handle that." Those words went deep to my core misbeliefs: that I am not deserving of healing, that he wouldn't want to give it to me in the first place, or that he would view me as selfish and instead give punishment rather than the gift, that he wanted me to suffer instead of experience healing and life abundant. I continued through prayer peeling back those layers, unraveling the places that had been wrongly wound tightly around a misguided belief. It was a beautifully painful and equally wonderfully freeing process, day by day, week by week, he was speaking so clearly, in ways I had never heard him before, to ears who had never expected to hear so much or attuned to listen with such expectation and excitement of the next experience. In those days of February, I started with what I call my "shakily reluctant prayers for healing". I wanted to ask, I knew he had invited me in to ask, but I still felt like I hadn't finished the wrestling place of what it all meant. I wanted to obey so badly, so I did it in the best way I could muster in the moment, but the invitations continued...