love is not bound by genes or color

"One day, I will have an African child" "If i go to Africa, I am coming back with a baby." "John, i hope you don't mind marrying me knowing at least one of our babies is gonna be black".  These are things I have said now for 10 years.  The Lord has called us to something I have always said I would do. I usually half said it as a joke, but half knew my heart was really pulled at it. Over the last 8 months, God has wrestled it back to the surface of my heart.  I had pushed it down for years.  I remember raising 2000$ to go to kenya in Fall of 07.  I remember having all of my money raised and going to the passport health clinic to get my shots.  I remember her saying, You need a pregnancy to test to get the yellow fever shot. I remember saying, Oh i'm not pregnant! I'm nursing and using back up protection. Then I remember seeing the pink lines on the test.  God always has a way of making his plans my own when I don't listen. I am so thankful he brought Wheeler into my life that day at the passport health clinic.  I was crushed I couldn't go to Africa, and shocked that I would now have an 18 month old and newborn, but God is the orchestrator.

Fastforward 3 years. Here I was telling God what was comfortable for me.  Two kids was getting easy for me. It was easy to go places, travel abroad, leave them for days on end, play outside, go to the grocery store, etc.  I told God our family was finished, but in the back of my heart, the spirit called..."Really?" I had a long enough list of excuses and fears to throw at God pulling this up in my heart for a good six months.  Continually he would bring it up.  John and I would talk about it, and it would return to the backburner as life pressed on.  Coinciding at the same time, I was asking God to write the story of our lives. I didn't want to live in the mundane, but I wanted God to call our family to a mission, a purpose we could all rally around. He was silent...or so I thought.

May came and Adoption was front and center again.  This time, our fears seemed small, selfish, pointless. I realized this was what we had been praying for.  Adoption was part of our story.  I just had always counted it off as something we could donate to, pray for.  But when I found myself balling my eyes out in the YMCA parking lot as a young caucasian mom walked her African child to camp next to me, I knew something was going on in my heart.  Reese came to me the following night and said "Mom, we need another sister in our family". My quick response? "oh reese, Mom isnt going to have any more babies in my belly". She said, "I know mom, not that kind of sister, the ones we pray for that don't have moms or dads, or food or houses".  I cried out to God like never before.  Is this it god? Is this just a compassion in my heart or a charity we are supposed to support? Is this what you want for me? Because if you do, ill follow, but if you don't please take this out of my heart. 

I decided to pass it off on JOhn.  He had always been the one hesitating more than i did.  So i threw it out there and prefaced it as, I know this is crazy, but seriously think about it, and if you come back with your answer being no, i am totally fine with that. 

I prayed to God again. God, tell him a strong no. Or tell him a clear yes. Lead me through him. My heart is so full of emotions and my thoughts are clouded, so just answer through John.  

Three days later John came home. He had taken 3 hours off in the middle of the day and gone out to pray.  He came home with a 100% yes.

Weeks of research and prayer followed and led us to around about where we are now. 

We are adopting a child from Congo, Africa. 

Maybe two children if the Lord hears our children's prayers.

We have submitted our application to One World Adoption Services and have been accepted and selected for the Congo program. Our homestudy paperwork was mailed out last week. She comes Aug 17 and 24th to observe and ask us questions to finalize our home study.  

The weird thing is, I am so ready for this little child to be in our family. For me, I have no agenda to pass on my genes.  I am thankful for the children God has given me in Reese and Wheeler, but just because they have my DNA doesnt make me love them more.  When I look at them, i don't want to "see myself".  I just want to see God's story in our lives.  The call God has asked us to do. For me, love is not bound by color. I pray God doesnt put me next to a white person in heaven.  I would much rather worship next to a Pakistani that found the Lord in a dream or through a lone missionary. Heaven is going to be an amazing collage of nations, colors, and peoples.  I want our family to reflect that. I am realizing that just maybe, God wants to tell the story of my adoption through my children.  The fact that God called me out when I was not desirable.  God waited for me, pursued me, and paid a high price to call me daughter.  God didn't just want to adopt me in as a step child or second rate citizen, he wanted to call me his firstborn.  He gave up Jesus on a bloody cross so I could be his child. He gave me his full inheritance, when hell was headed my way.

Congo is the rape capital of the world.  Right now, girls as young as 2 are being gang raped by militia, or raped with the bayonettes of guns.  Right now, toddlers are wondering around fields of corpses trying to nurse on dead bodies. I know it is hard to swallow, but there is a lot going on in this world that is evil.  I will not save every child of the world.  But if we can influence one, lavishly love one. Hopefully God will make himself famous and hopefully he will show someone else his heart beat for the world, for the orphans and for the abused.  

Adoption is not for everyone. It just took us a while to hear through the noise that it was for us.

The great story writer...

Over the last few months (starting sort of after reading A million miles and a thousand years by donald miller) God has really impressed on our hearts "The story of our family". We are charged with this task of living on earth, not just to go through the motions of the mundane: going to school, doing the best we can, being as "good" as we can, getting married, jobs, children, raising them the best we can, getting them to activities, school and start again the next day. I cannot be content in this kind of life, just living just to live. Just doing things because its the next natural thing. That is not much of a worthwhile story.  I don't want a great story so I can be great. I just want to be involved in something that is bigger than myself. When i live in "self", i get complacent, bored, dissatisfied and depressed. It is not what we were meant for.  This plays out even bigger as I think of the mission of our family.  If this is the story we are writing, it is the story our children are being written into. There will be a day coming where our kids are going to look at the story of our lives and either choose to continue or choose a different story. If we don't live out the glory of God, they are going to look for Glory in other places. If we live a "christian life" but yet get caught up in the things of life, or the mundane-ness (probably not a word) of life, they will most likely either do the same or choose another way to find excitement or satisfaction that may not be what the Lord offers. John and I want God to write our story, and we want to follow. That is the only way our life will be worth anything. The last few months have been an amazing time of praying about what that story is. What our mission as a family is. What he has for us. Where he wants us to make an impact. Why he brought us together that we can uniquely add even if so remotely to bring Glory to his name and to make other people see Him when they see our family. That is all I want. I don't want glory because I know i won't handle it correctly nor do i deserve an ounce of it.
It is funny that Reese asked if i could help her write a book today. She wanted to write a story but needed me to tell her how to spell the words. It was so fun as each new page brought a hillarious new adventure. She was so excited as i read it back to her. She asked me my advice on where the flowers should go, or how to draw a nice fox. It was so fun to write this story together. And it was a hillariously epic story of an enchanted castle, prince and princess, love, nice foxes, eating in castles, blooming flowers, and volcanoes that erupt bouncy balls.
If we hand over our pen to the master story teller, he can help us write a better story than we could have ever written alone. I am so excited to see where our story goes and I am glad I can surrender that to a God who has a far bigger agenda than I do. I hope I can do my best through his strength to show a story to my children that they want to get involved in. That they see the Lord and want to join his mission because we in some way made this story one they want to write for themselves. Who knows what that looks like, and some days i need to stop trying to read the end but just enjoy the page i am on, all the while anxiously excited to see what is coming next, knowing God has lots of surprises up his sleeve.

Christmas from a new perspective

Sweet Wheeler just a few days old.

So I've been thinking a lot about Christmas, and what it really means. And then about what it really means---to me.  Sometimes I bypass the behind the scenes stuff that was going on and just focus on the fact that Jesus was born as a baby and the humble beginnings he had and then think of what he grew into.  This year, I feel like the Lord has really been putting on display for me, the fathers heart.  In terms of my own son, to think about taking this sweet baby that in a sense (not really bc he is God's) is mine. Taking this baby and willingly giving my son to another tribe who I know will raise him and then brutally murder him.  What mother would give her son to that group of people knowing he would be torn to shreds, mounted with nails on a tree and left there to suffocate and bleed to death. God knew full well what was coming. He allowed Jesus to grow up here on earth, in our tribe. He gave him to us without hesitation or reservation.  He put his sweet little baby into the hands of men that would tear his flesh off his body.  There was a lot going on behind the scenes in the manger that I hadn't been thinking about.  God wanted us so badly to know him that he would give his sweet perfect son into the hands of murderers. If I was forced to give my child into the hands of people I knew would eventually torture him beyond recognition, even knowing my son would do amazing things for those people, I can't imagine making that choice.  God's decision to send Jesus at Christmas was more than just a sweet silent night. From a father's heart it had to be filled with emotion, seeing his son born into new form, knowing he would redeem so many, yet also the agony of knowing the torture that would come for him at the cross.  This was the ultimate gift coinciding with the ultimate sacrifice.  Jesus taking on flesh, meant he would take on pain, take on our sin. Christmas was God's decision to send his son to this tribe, the cross was Jesus' submission to his fathers will to ransom many. It means something differently after holding your sweet child in your arms. I am beyond speechless and awed and grateful for God's sacrifice in giving us his child. 

Merry Christmas. 

Wisdom, pride and trust: a life lesson from a 4 year old....

The interchange:

Reese: Mom, i know how to spell cat, C-A-S-T. 

Me: Wow, reese, thats really great. Close though, its C A T.

Reese: No mom, its CAST, i know it is.

Me: actually reese, its CAT because (enter explanation of the phonics of the word cat minus the s sound). But you are doing a great job spelling for sure!

Reese: No mom,(hands on hips) its actually CAST. I know it is because I am 4 years old. (Proceeds to write CAST next to the cat drawing on her page.)

My response:

Wow, for some weird reason it frustrated me so much. I was having to really use self-control to not take her pencil out of her hand and not say "are you kidding me? I'm a good two decades ahead of you with a degree and I think I ACTUALLY KNOW how to spell cat. For some reason i got angry inside far beyond what the situation deserved.  In one of my better parenting moment, I pulled myself aside let it go, and let the child write cast on her paper. 

Reflecting back:

As i sat there trying to calm myself, i was disgusted by how angry I got inside and glad I didnt squash her little dream of knowing how to spell a word. But as I thought, i realized... I am that girl. I am that 4 year old, know it all, looking up at my father in heaven and unconsciously saying.. "no actually I know".  I do it in the subtlest of ways, but i do it a lot. When I dont seek God's wisdom first, I am really just saying, No god, actually I know how to do this-- finance thing, parenting deal, marriage, purpose finding journey, navigation of relationships.  To think how silly reese is to think that she would know how to spell something better than me... Ive been spelling for 25 years. I even won the 7th grade spelling be for the city of Tampa. It was crazy for her not to even ask, but yet to instead insist that her little meager way of spelling it was the way to do it instead of tapping into my wisdom. As silly as that is...its just what I do with the Lord. I don't do it out loud. Never would I say that in my prayers to the Lord. Actually the opposite, ill ask for wisdom then go do my own thing assuming he is leading. Majority of the time i am not asking for wisdom, praying over it for a few days/weeks, digging into the word on the issue, and listening more than talking in my prayer life.  That is me quietly saying, no God, actually I know how to do this thing of life. 

Silly enough, that interchange was a huge teaching moment for me. It really made me look at my approach to these huge blessings I am stewarding and really dig into God's wisdom on stewarding them. After all they're his and he knows best how to use them for Glory instead of waste. I have the priviledge of tapping into the ultimate source of knowledge... So a lot of times i need to get my "hands off my hips" and stop doing it my own way. Then I need to trust that he will answer, guide and give me the wisdom I have asked for. 

Jeremiah 33:3

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

James 1:5

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Random thoughts on Submission

Submit- yield to oneself to the authority or will of another, to defer or consent to  abide by the opinion or authority of another, to place oneself under or behind.

Six years ago I didnt really understand what submission meant in a marriage. I understood in a general sense.  I knew I was to submit to John's leadership and I even understood it in a decision making context and applied it mostly.  But really the definition and illustration of what Biblical submission looks like has fleshed out for me over the last six years and will continue to for the next several decades.  Ephesians says not only to submit to your husband as to the Lord but also to submit to one another out of reverance to Christ. This means John is first, just as i place the Lord first above my desires and priorities, John is my earthly first.  This is easy to apply for me in big decisions or stressful situations. Submitting is even often comforting to me. I am glad that God gave me a wise, strong steady man to tuck myself behind in hard times or big choices.  Where i fail daily is submitting in the small things. Submitting to what time he walks in the door, submitting to how he raises the kids, submitting to how he loves me.  These are things that i often want to control, or "share my feelings" with so much that I am really trying to change the outcome of how he would normally do things.  Now don't get me wrong. I fully agree that wives should be sharing their opinions and feelings. I feel that is definitely part of our help mate role.  But i need to share and then leave it in his hands.  If he is the spiritual leader and authority for our household, i do not need to put my expectations on him and then get disappointed when it doesnt go my way. I often forget I am not first.  We have struggled in this mostly in regards to the work week.  I think one of the hardest things about being a business owner's wife is rarely can he turn his job off.  Even when he is home, he is responsible for that store and 50 employees and thousands of customer experiences there.  He loves it and so often he just enjoys thinking about it at home, new ideas, different ways to do something, whatever.  Also, it is no 9-5.  The beauty and burden of the job is that the hours are always changing.  He can go in at 5am one day and 11 the next. Which is hard for me since i am such a planner. Sometimes i think a predictable 9-5 would be easier.  Because even if he says he will be home at 5, something can always happen. An employee doesnt show up, health inspector arrives, rush hits, an employee pulls him aside to talk, he gets a phone call he has to deal with.  This is where my failure blows up and submission usually fades.... Of course I want him home so i can spend time with him, have help with dinner and the kids, whatever. But it is not in my control and it shouldnt be.  If i was fully finding my strength and enjoyment in the Lord then I could really be more flexible and understanding on this.  Its not all about me, my struggles and how hard my day was. But that is when I need to really submit most. In the small, everyday. It is a physical and mental battle to really submit at those times.  Not to push away my hurt or disappointment, but also not to let it rule my attitude and drop it on him the second he comes home.  He is worth too much to me for that.  Even more, God is worth too much to me to continually butcher his design for submission. Expectations can destroy a marriage. Luckily, I heard that Andy Stanley message before we got too far into marriage (iMarriage series I highly reccomend!). But it is something that continually needs to be at the forefront of my mind!
John heads out of town this week twice, and coming off of his trip to brazil a few weeks ago I have been feeling anxious about him going again. I really want to try this week to lean hard into the Lord, find my strength and satisfaction and value in Him and let John off the hook a little bit. I really want to free him up to just do what he does best and enjoy work, life and recreation. I really want to submit as I would if Jesus were in my house and getting home at 530 instead of 5. I know that God chose me to give his tangible love to John, and I need to continually remind myself of that.

adopted

This last week or two was quite a spiritual journey for me! I can't imagine what it was like for my dear friend who was actually in the middle of it.  It was such a hard but awesome journey for me to experience God in a different way as I prayed more deeply than ever before. I have never felt emotionally exhausted after praying and it gave me a small glimmer into what gethsemane was like for Jesus. I can't remember i time being so involved (mind, body, heart, soul, emotions) in prayer and petitioning God, begging God, screaming at God, crying to God for Him to hear and change a situation.  What am amazing illustration God gave me this week watching this unfold. What an example about fighting for the redemption of his child and longing to adopt us into his family just as this couple has fought for an opportunity to bring this child into their family to buy her at a high price (not just financially) and to journey with her because she is worth adopting into an amazing family far greater than she was given or could have chosen on her own. What a beautiful redemption story. I am so so thankful for a God who longs to adopt us, who longs for us to choose Him back, who longs for the day when we are finally his and then finally face to face with Him. Not because he lacks anything without us, but just because he is Love.  What a picture of what God did at the cross too. Not only does he love his children beyond any love we could experience in the smallest fraction, but his prize, his son, he watched tortured for a people who didn't love him, but He longed to adopt. That is a high price to pay for our adoption.  So through this process, i have really grasped my own adoption into Christ and as well as the ransom paid for me, the earnest love he pours over me, and the urgency to tell others about the amazing family that awaits them. I need to live in that reality a little bit deeper so I can really grasp the pure blessing God has given me in just giving me himself. Blessings or not, He has already given me all i need in Him. I need nothing else than the Father who has fought for me, waited for me, pursued me, and bought me at the highest price, then rejoiced when I chose Him back. I want nothing more than Him, and I may need him to remind me of that, but what a beautiful fulfillment of scripture in 1Pet 3 that glory WILL be revealed in suffering. And perseverance produces growth and revelation. 

humbled..

The last few days the lord has really humbled me. Over the course of a series of events, God has really spoken to me about how loosely i use and understand the term blessing.
First, A friend of a friend (also a person on staff at the church we go to) his wife went into preterm labor with their first child (they have 2 adopted) and he only lived 24 hours.  They had already picked out his name (Chai hebrew for "alive") and i just received updates as things were happening and had such a burden on my heart to pray for them. I prayed a lot of that day and when i heard that Chai died, i was sadder than I thought I would be over a baby of a couple i didn't even know.  But God really used that to draw me to himself and reveal a little more of his character.  One of the things the dad said was that they hoped his name had meaning to pull him through this hard time, that he could stay alive and push through, but after he passed he realized God cared more about him being fully alive in him instead of on this earth.  The faith of this couple throughout this process has been incredible. I have enjoyed following their blog lately and just hearing the father speak to these hurting people.  God is truly close to the broken hearted because if ever a time to turn and doubt, they are running that much harder to God.
Next, I was really emotionally effected all week by my dear friend who has been in the adoption process almost 2 years now.  They finally got selected for a baby and then a few days out from the due date heard that paperwork stuff was falling through.  It really got me down and i just felt in a funk for a few days. (I know that sounds selfish because i can't imagine what she was going through if it was effecting me like this!).
Then sunday at church, the pastor said something about how flippantly we use the name of God. How we don't understand the power it holds when we throw it around without tagging along the weight and glory that come with it. Then it was like God was tapping on my shoulder... You do the same thing about my blessing. Now going back a few months, God has really been teaching me a lot about blessings and really getting my heart prepared for what he has to reveal. I have never felt at a place so content, so "not-wanting" for much other than him before yet in my faith. But even still, I just began to realize this weekend how flippantly i have said Thanks for our blessings and taught our kids to say "thank you God for all our blessings... Jesus, family, friends, house," the list goes on and on. For me this weekend I have just thought about the blessing God has given me in our marriage and our kids. The way i live my life and speak some times, i am basically just treating those blessings as if they don't have the weight they do. I do not understand why God blessed us with 2 healthy wonderful kids. Neither of which we struggled to conceive (just the opposite actually) nor struggled with health issues (i don't really even count wheeler's ear issues when i think about the struggles others have). Yet i totally complained through pregnancy, felt like i wouldnt survive some days with two babies at home, and even still, nitpick over how hard my day was with two kids in the throngs of toddlerhood. How humbling to think about God looking at me wondering is this what you have to say about my blessing? Now granted, life isnt rosy rosy and the kids will always test my patience and it will be a challenge raising them until they are out of the house and beyond, but my perspective needs to continually shift.  With a heart that understands the weightiness of the blessing i have been giving, there is less room for petty complaining... when i really grasp what the Lord has given and can take away at any moment, it dissipates the frustration over the silly stuff i am dealing with. I look back over my life and i can't really find huge problems or major disasters or trauma or devastation.  The closest i have come to that is losing Drew. And i ask God, why me? Why so many blessings. I empathize with these other people who are going through this heavy stuff and leaning on the Lord so strongly.  But yet, I don't grasp the full weigh of what God has done in my life. I know this is all rambling and it is just where i am right now as i process, but all this to say.. I want to really understand each day the blessing God has put in my life, and not treat it flippantly or with entitlement or just a "that's the way it is" attitude.  I have no no idea the scale God loves me. I feel very small and I like being in that place with God. I pray he reminds me of it minute by minute and prepares me to love on others as they walk their journey. I know there will be a place in mine where I will be at a crossroads and will need that person to lean on. Sorry for all the ramblings... I'll continue to flesh out what the Lord is teaching me over time.  I am thankful that he speaks.
In following up, i am praying hard has my dear friend got an amazing God moment call that the paperwork went through and heard this right before the baby was being delivered so she is out in las vegas now picking up a baby hopefully in the next few hours. I am praying hard that details line up smoothly, for the health of the baby and the mothers substance abuse not to have hurt the child. I am praying for their hearts as parents that God is preparing them to take on his child and bring her into their family just as God has adopted us into his. Praise Jesus!