small prayers to a BIG God....

Over the last 10 months, my world has been rocked in regards to prayers.  I haven't always been consistent about reading the Bible, but I have always prayed.  Through high school and college I always left my prayers open-ended, so I could get back to where I was in a few minutes.

But they were always small prayers,

self-centered petitions,

a "can you really handle this prayer" prayer,

weak prayers about silly issues.

And while, yes, I believe God cares about anything that is concerning us, God is not Santa Claus, and God is not small.

I treated God like Santa until about 9th grade.  Give me this, help me not be sad about this, I want a better this, whatever. In 9th grade my prayer life transitioned to a more this is who I am God and this is how I love you prayer. I still littered my prayers with selfish requests and vomiting my worry (aka mistrust) that God would come through.

In college I broadened my perspective when it came to prayer, what do i do here God, how can i be a better witness to this person God, is this the major/career/person you want for me God?

Yet over the last 10 months my old prayers have seemed so small, ineffective, not world changing, power unleashing prayers. God has revealed to me so much about the world that we (Christians and non Christians alike) choose to just ignore so it doesn't rain on our parade.

I have a feeling that once I get to heaven, I will be embarrassed by the teeny tiny prayers I have been praying.  When we are faced with the fullness, able-ness, and BIG-ness of God, I think I will have wished I would have asked BOLDLY for bigger things.  He tells us to approach the throne in boldness.  He tells us in John 15:7 as you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask WHATEVER you wish and it will be done for you.

Now this could be twisted into the prosperity Gospel. Ask for a Ferrari in Jesus' name, a bigger paycheck, whatever.  But it is coupled with dwelling in the Word.  The scriptures have come to life to me in a whole new way lately. I realize I have just skimmed the Bible and said, "Wow, that's a cool thing to do Jesus, invite people who can't pay you back to a party? way to go Jesus, feed the hungry and care for the orphan? Good idea Jesus, I'll have to tell someone else to do that ". No, this is an example of how we are to live.  Once we dwell there, in the good places of scripture and the hard places, then our prayers start to be BIG, for HIS glory not ours.  Then we can ask for ANYTHING in his name and it will be done.

Prayer unleashes Gods power in a way that would not happen without us.  God could wipe out world hunger right now regardless of our actions, but he chooses to use us. He doesn't lightning bolt down salvation typically, he doesn't come sweeping through the clouds and move an orphan from an orphanage to the perfect home.  Sometimes yes, but more often than not, he chooses to use us. He moves in our hearts for us to act. But if we aren't praying BIG, if we aren't even leaving time to listen to him during prayer, then we miss this.  We miss unleashing the power of the Holy spirit into a situation he is waiting to act on.  Look at the miracles Jesus did, almost all were humanly initiated by a bold request. Like, come heal my dead daughter, just let me touch you because I can't stop bleeding for all the years of my life, heal my blindness, fix my lame legs.  These are not small, weak requests.  I pray I can boldly approach the throne and then be ready to act as God uses any obedience I have to change the outcome of people's lives, eternally and physically. If not me, then who?

On my prayer list these days...
God to reveal to me what I am supposed to do about the orphan crisis....

God to show me what I can do about the 26,000 who die each day from hunger. I pray for God to meet them and reveal himself to them as they cry out in desperation.

 (pictures from Google)

Like this little one year old who weighed six pounds and now she is a growing 18 month old in a loving home...

 (pictures taken from aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com)

There are big things going on in the world, a 26 billion dollar sex trafficking industry, marriages crumbling, kids dying of preventable disease, 163 MILLION orphans. Are we just going to sit back and wipe our hands of it, saying its too Big to make a dent in it? Or will we first pray, then Obey?? I am working on both, leaning hard into trust that God is a Big God who wants to use his children to redeem and impact the lives of others.

"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act." Prov. 24:12

A Monumental day in our household....

Well today is a day I have been praying for for 6 years.  I just read a prayer I wrote in my journal when I was pregnant with Reese-
It says this:
Jan 20,2006
There is so much I want you to know! I continuously surrender my plans and hopes for you to God because I know he can dream and write your story a lot better than I ever could.  I pray God will do miracles, and change many lives with your little life.  I pray and wait anxiously for the day God captures your heart forever. What a beautiful thing! Oh how deep my desire is to be a good mother for you little one!
Love, your mom.

Well, God answered a prayer I started praying that day in January 2006 TODAY.  February 8 at 7:08pm!

Wow! What an amazing thing! We had just gotten in bed to read a story about a raccoon solving mysteries and finished that one up and Wheeler (to my surprise) said he wanted to read their Jesus Storybook Bible. I flipped open to the story about John the Baptist and we were all laughing about how he ate bugs and his name is the same as daddies name.  Then I finished the story about when he baptized Jesus and closed the book.  Reese said "Did going in that water make sure that God said he loved Jesus?" So we talked about how the water isn't what saves us but it is that Jesus is in our hearts and we know and understand what he did on the cross for us that saves us.  Then she said "i know that mom, you and dad have told me that. And i heard it at either school or church or somewhere" I laughed and said something about yes, it is the best news we could ever get so it is fun to talk about a lot.  She asked me if she had asked Jesus in her heart before.  I told her I didn't know, that would have been something she would have talked to God about.  Then she said "well can I ask him in my heart now?" and I started to tear up and said sure! (Meanwhile Wheeler was doing donkey kicks on the other end of the bed so I started saying Oh so Holy mom prayers like -- God please let wheeler be still and hush for 2 minutes or I may hold his mouth closed!

So I asked Wheeler if he wanted to pray (key word) quietly along with Reese as she made a big decision and he said yes. So Wheeler, Reese and I sat holding hands on her bed and she prayed something like this...

God, please come into my heart and clean out all of my yucky stuff and stay there forever so that you can love me forever and we can always be together.  Please don't leave my heart so that I can always have you in there. Jesus name, Amen

And that was it! We celebrated and called some family and she was so excited! I tried to stifle my excitement a little because I didn't want to be the reason she thought it was a good thing! Although of course we did some jumping and hugging and picture taking....so much for stifling! 

I am so bummed John wasn't here.  He is at a dinner with customers at the store, so I am anxiously awaiting his arrival so she can tell him, but I had to write it all down right now before I forgot all the details!

This has been such a neat process of her learning about him and loving him from a young age.  About a month ago we read through the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe and I could tell she was locking those truths away in her heart. Each night we would talk about how Aslan was like Jesus and how Edmund didn't want Aslan in his heart and how Lucy loved Aslan. And how he died and came back to save them.  She had said one night after the chapter where aslan dies and returns, she had said that it was just like Jesus and she knew it was true and she believed that Jesus did save us! But I didn't push the whole asking thing because I didn't want it to be driven by me and not her, plus I knew it didn't have to be this glorious moment. Then I had been chatting with my dear friend Ashley about this very thing a 2 days ago and prayed about it and let it go and then here we are two nights later she tells me she wants to ask him into her heart! 

Go God! Thank you for coming to die for us! And For coming to save my sweet Reese McNeil. 

The Battle of Excess

The last 8 months has been a spiritual journey for me that I have been praying for for years.  After a really growing time in high school and college, I felt like I went on spiritual cruise control for the next 6 or 7 years. There were moments of growth and closeness, but generally speaking, I was not vastly different faith-wise than in college.  I have prayed to grow, to gain wisdom as I got married and became a parent. And God answered has answered those prayers in many ways. But since God calling us to adoption and our journey of obedience, I have never experienced growth and revelation like this, so deep and so steady. 

I think at the root of it all has been the uprooting of my stronghold of my comfort. Not necessarily physically or financially, although that is a part of it. But more so, just my idea of what a comfortable life looks like. God has been showing me my idea of a comfortable life and his idea of a life surrendered is not the same.  Not in the way that following what God says means I sacrificially give up everything I like for a life of being painfully stripped of everything. That has been the most amazing part of the process, is that as I am stripped of things, it actually feels better, free-er, and like I am actually finding the purpose and the life I was made for.

So thus has begun the battle of excess.

I have realized that even tithing 10% and living "responsibly" (debt free, spending less than we make, house payment meeting the debt to income ratio, whatever) is not the definition of "Having life and having Life Abundantly" that Jesus was talking about. For the last 5 years (the first 2 of marriage not so much, because we were nearly living under the US poverty line on missionary raised support;)  we have lived comfortably.  From my point of view, it wasn't excess. But as God is doing this work in my heart... I am becoming more and more aware of the excess that has subtly worked its way into our life and I have justified, even spiritually, over the last several years.

If you make over 50,000 combined household income, we are in the top 1% richest people in the WORLD. Over 75,000? The Top .6%.  This is insane to me.  Just because there is always someone with more income, bigger house, more toys, nicer cars, doesn't mean I am not living in excess.

Being vulnerable here, I counted the amount of items in my closet (Shirts, coats, pants, jeans, dresses, skirts, sweaters, shorts, etc) and sadly the grand total came to 335.  I have had some of these clothes for 5 years or so, but mostly in the last 2-3.  If I spent an average of 25$ on each item that would be a total of $8,375.  Dresses,coats and jeans may raise up that average a little, so if I average at 35$ per piece that is $11,725. That means over the last several years, I have spent anywhere from 8-12,000 on clothes for ME. Just me. There are 3 other people in my family. 

The average congolese family makes about 75 cents per day.  Per year that would be 273$. That means on average, my clothing budget for 3 years would cost the average Congolese family 36 years to purchase. That is disgusting.

I guarantee you I am not going to get to heaven and wish I would have made sure to refresh my spring/summer wardrobe each year. 

The more I have been digging into God's word, I realize he is really serious about all of scripture- not just the easy ones to hear.  I'm pretty sure we are actually supposed to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, care for the orphans, come to the aid of the widow and the oppressed. This is not something that some Christians are supposed to do.  He even goes as far as to say he will separate those who did not feed him, clothe him, visit him, bring justice for him, and those will "depart because you did not know me".  Could it be, we get to know Jesus more intimately as we serve the "least of these"?

Tithing used to be the main idea for us, we tithed each month, we could check it off. We spent reasonably wise in ratio with our income, and we felt fine about "spending the other 90% responsibly".  But God did not tithe 10% of his love for us.  He poured it all out. He gave up everything.  

I got an iPad for Christmas, it was an unexpected gift and I was very thankful! John already had one and now I had my own! We went to church this week and I have been loving my iBooks app. I downloaded the Bible on it and it has awesome highlight and note taking features.  I serve in the morning at church so I walked into the service late and John was sitting there with his iPad on his lap and handed me mine to open to the scripture we were going through. Sheer panic struck my heart as disgust came over me in a way i have never experienced.  Here we sat in church with 1000$ worth of iPads on our two laps and 1000$ worth of phones in our pockets and probably wearing about 150$ or more each on our bodies.  Behind us sat a refugee family from Chad. A woman and her 5 kids who escaped Chad as their village got attacked.  She watched her husband machete-d as they fled.  She had acid of some sort poured on her body, and her face and hands bear those scars.  She only has a few non-functioning fingers remaining.  The contrast of it all was right there in front of me.  And I felt shame, sadness and disgust.  I did not feel like this was the life Jesus came to die for, this "abundant life".  No, she had the life abundant, she was praising the Lord with all her might, dancing, shouting, and I sat there with my 90$ jeans and our 500$ iPads.  

"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act." Prov. 24:12

26,000 people will die of hunger today, tomorrow, and the next and this is my pantry...

Malaria is killing nearly 3000 African children per day. It is a preventable disease, all is takes is 2 dollars at a local pharmacy- no perscription needed. 2 dollars- that is their matter of life and death.

I have missed it. I have been losing the battle. Excess has taken over and closed my eyes to the true vision of the gospel.  No wonder Jesus said it is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel to get through a needle.  That is impossible if you hadn't thought through the logistics of it...

With my mouth, I have said "Lord, Lord" but with my heart and finances, I have mostly said "me, me".

Well here is where the battle will turn.  God has impressed the plight of the orphan on my heart so deeply.  You can read more on that on my previous post here from September.  But I know God is asking big things of me, of us as a family.  My upcoming trip to Uganda I feel like God will further explain this in my heart, but I am not waiting until then.  By cutting our clothing budget for the next 4 months, we can send two more Ugandan children to school, purchase school supplies, Bible, mosquito net, etc.

  By cutting back our grocery, babysitting, and eating out/entertainment budget we will soon be ready to accept two referrals for our sweet children that will soon not be orphans! For the next 2 months we will be tight so that I can take over extra money for aid at the special needs orphanage, Amazima feeding ministry in the slums of Masese and the Canaans Childrens home  where we will be working in Jinja. Another awesome ministry that goes directly to orphans is International Voice of the Orphan if you are looking for places to get involved.

This is not about me, this is about how God can advance the kingdom when I actually give him the reins. 

Living in excess is the mirror image of the original sin of Adam and Eve.  They had everything. They did not "need" anything else! But yet, discontentment struck in their hearts as they thought, I wonder if God is holding back something better for us. I wonder if our lives will be better if I just have that one more thing.  

That sort of desire brings about our own destruction.  So here I am, on my own personal journey to really evaluate what God means in the Bible, what he is really asking of us. How he wants us to surrender our savings even to his kingdom.  

This has been a hard and wonderful journey of horrible stuff coming to the surface in my heart, but at the same time, it is so free-ing to be in a place where I am moving towards obeying and understanding God so intimately in all aspects of my life. 

If you are looking for books to read on this topic, please read Radical by david platt, Kisses from katie, or 7 by Jen Hatmaker. All have been the perfect storm of books as I have journeyed through matthew and John and studied what Jesus really calls on our life. Thanks for listening to my journey, as messy as it can be. 

my soapbox on marriage...

Over the last 3 months I have been surrounded with marriages crumbling.  From as close as family, to dear friends, to friends of friends, friend's with couples in their small group, leaders in the church, etc headed towards divorce.  Some of these couples have been married less than 5 months, some 7-10 years. It is astounding.  And ALL of them are Christians.

God calls our marriages to be different.  Don't hear me saying marriage is always all roses and easy.  Marriage is hard. Marriage is work. But it is glorious work.
The most common picture God gives us of the relationship between us and Christ is marriage.  He is our bridegroom. The church (Christians) are his bride.  I am the bride of Christ.

Marriage was the first "institution" God created.  It was a solid and permanent covenant meant to represent or exemplify his relationship with us.  And look what we have turned it into.

Even Christian marriages these days are focused on how my spouse is treating me, what I am getting out of the relationship, if I am happy.  It becomes this scale of how much have I put in vs. how much have they put in.  What if marriage isn't about "I"?

I am meant to be the tangible love of God to my husband.  God doesn't have arms and vocal chords here on earth, he has given me a gift and a privilege and responsibility to show Jesus' tangible love to John.  What a blessing, what a responsibility.  My words have the influence to steer John towards God or away.

Also, when we stand on the altar at our marriage, I think a lot of people bypass the miracle that occurs.  Do we not focus on the fact that during our marriage ceremony, God actually takes two separate people and makes them one?? The more I think on the concept of one-ness, the more amazing it is to me.  John and I are ONE. One in body, spirit. That is a supernatural miracle.  Try separating two pieces of paper or fabric that you have superglued together.  It is nearly impossible, but at best it is messy.  You end up with two broken pieces, two messy pieces, two pieces torn and tattered.  I think we miss this when we consider divorce as an option.  From what I have heard of friends talking, they see divorce as the easier choice, just an escape from the work that would have to be done to restore, a fresh start, another chance at a better, happier life.  We don't think about the destruction of our legacy, the separation of oneness that God has joined. You can't un-one yourselves.  That is why God is so clear on divorce.

Legally our marriage is a "Contract", but if you are a Christian, it is more so a covenant than a contract.  A contract is an "I will if you will" "i'll pay this debt if you give me this service" "i'll give this as long as you give this". This is not what our marriages are supposed to be. It is a permanent covenant.  God never breaks his covenants. Our marriages should be a reflection of Christ's covenant with the Church.  He didn't leave us when we got messy, when we stopped serving him, when we stopped making him happy, when things got busy or hard, when we cheated on him time and time again.  Our marriage is not intended to fulfill our every desire, longing and happiness.  It is to point people to Christ and his consistent and unconditional love for us.

I think so often that we let our marriages fall to the backburners. Our kids take #1, our careers take the #1 spot, our comfort and happiness take #1.  You have to be intentional.
One thing our mentors shared with us early in our marriage was this
Discuss Daily
Date Weekly
Depart Quarterly

Discuss daily- have at least 30 minutes face to face time (no tv, phone, computer) discussing more than just schedules and how was your day stuff.  30 minutes of heart check, how are we doing check, what is God doing in your heart talk.
When we struggle to come up with something here we simply do highs and lows of our day and the why behind it. This connects us far more than a 'how was your day' discussion. It gets at the heart and grows and deepens our bond together. On a more practical note, once a week we try and do a "check-in" during our discussion time and lay out both of our schedules and discuss logistically anything that needs to happen (ie. working late this night, pick the kids up here, etc). Once every other week (usually after payday) we do a financial "check-in" and discuss goals, savings, tithe, pay bills, plan and get an update on where we are financially and how we are doing with our budget, etc.

Date Weekly- We try to do this as a non-negotionable. If finances don't allow for dinner out, or babysitter, get creative. Cook brownies together and eat them on the floor of a random room and enjoy conversation, Give each other a massage, pedicure. Play cards/board games together. Get creative at home. Or just go spend time in a bookstore, coffee shop, walk around the neighborhood, kick a soccer ball at a park.  All free. Do something that reminds you that you just enjoy being with that person.

Depart quarterly- Get away once a quarter, even if just for a day trip (preferably overnight) and enjoy a trip together. Use that time to refocus your goals as a couple, your ministry as a couple, where you are in your marriage, what you want to get better at, how you want to grow spiritually and can encourage each other.  Take advantage of this time more than just a vacation, but do just have fun! This has been such a great one for John and I to make ourselves a priority, leave the kids and focus on ourselves.  Our kids now get excited about this (most of the time) and what a gift we can give them to show them how that Jesus is my number 1, John is my #2 and they are behind him at #3. The minute i get those out of order, we will be those empty nesters that after the kids leave look at each other and say "i don't really know you anymore".

Disclaimer: We don't have a perfect marriage. We constantly work at it, we constantly work through issues. We don't follow these every day of every week. Life happens and there is grace for that. But sticking to our boundaries and using this as our guideline has protected us from so much and kept us connected. We can tell when we have gone a while without these in our routine and we fall quickly into the 'roommate cycle' as we call it. We have been to counseling at one of the harder parts of our marriage and it was such an amazing experience for us.  Everyone needs help. That is why God calls the spirit the Counselor.  Who am I to think I am too good for asking for someone else to speak into our marriage. Marriage is two imperfect people coming together, there are going to be hard times. Be prepared and take even the good times in marriage and work at making it even better. Pray hard against Satan who wants nothing more than to see our marriages end up broken and have divorce be a part of our kid's view on marriage.

**Please youtube Andy Stanley's sermon called iMarriage. Thankfully we heard this at our church (Northpoint) in Atlanta around year 1 of our marriage and it set the tone for us.

adoption update and what the Lord is teaching me through it....

There are still two empty chairs at our dining room table. They never felt empty until recently.  But the Lord is doing a lot in my heart in the "in between time".  

Early december after news of riots and violence in Kinshasa after the election, adoption time tables were all extended.  Time until referral (getting the match with our child) and time after referral until travel.  I found myself just crying and crying about it.  You see, I am a planner at heart.  I set my mind on a date and I have everything planned to a T about it.  I was hoping our kids would come home August-Nov 2012... and now my time table is gone.  It hurts to surrender.  I was crying one night about it and felt God say, "do you actually even trust me?" Over the next week and a half I started to let go.  I started to not just say I surrendered my plans and time tables to him, but to actually do it.  

Because, after all, isn't he the one who originally wanted to write it into our story?

But what I realized, is that after I said yes in obedience, he gave me so much joy as I walked towards his call on our life, but I still clung to obey within what is convenient or comfortable for me. How patient I thought I could be. How long I could actually wait.  When it would fit into our lives/schedules the best.  

This is not how obedience works.  

So as of about 5 days ago, I had a break through moment of surrender with God. I said to him (and actually meant it in my heart too) that I will surrender my plans to him with this adoption.

Whether we get our referral before summer, whether we travel before Christmas, or whether we get our referral in 2013 and travel in 2 years.  He is the one writing the story.  He knows best when these two treasures are supposed to come home. He has them picked out just for us. He knows when he will reveal it to me.  Do I really want it in my time table? No, and although it physically hurts me some days to wait. I will wait on the Lord. Because he is the one holding me together, he knows me best, he knows the next chapter of our story. 

I will have to continually re-submit to him as we walk through this journey that is far too long in my heart. 

But I know who holds the future and I know who will write it just how it is supposed to be. 

Then on Wednesday, (two days post breakthrough) I got an email from our caseworker saying.....

Things are moving again and we have 5 more kids home as of last week.  Referrals should be coming in a few weeks as soon as paperwork is completed. I believe time lines may pick up as well. 

What a little blessing right after the pain of surrendering that. But even still. Even to hear those words, I found God didn't allow those to take root in my heart in a way that they would have a few weeks before. I am not clinging to my calendar or my inbox. Our referral may come in a few weeks, or it may come in several several months. I am just taking that email as a sweet reminder of what God does when I decide to give up my pen and let him write.

where babies come from....

So after my usual 15 minute sit in Car-Line, I pick up my kindergarten cutie and she pops in the car with a smile on her face. We chatted for a second until a troubled look came over her....

Reese: "Mom, Lena lied to me today"

Me: "Really Reese? How so?"

Reese: "She told me that she came out of her moms bottom or privates. I told her that is not true, we come out of our mom's bellybuttons. But she told me NO, she is sure that she came out of her mom's bottom"

Me: (accidental outburst of laughter)

Reese: (face got sadder)

Me: "Oh Sorry Reese, I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing about what Lena said."

Reese: "Well, is it true? I really want you to tell me"

Me: I proceeded to explain that it is true, sort of, we come out of our mommies privates.

Reese: You mean I came out of that circle in your bottom?

Me: Restrained my laughter this time... And again explained that is not the case and told her what happens.

Wow, the conversations that lie ahead of me.  

Luckily, John and I had a conversation a few months before that about always telling our kids the truth in a way that is appropriate for their ages. I failed my parenting test with my loud cackle that erupted when she asked me. I think our temptation as parents is to get defensive or mad or just shrug it off with a joke when our kids ask us hard questions.  I remember as a kid, I was allowed to ask any question. Drinking, sex, drugs, whatever. So I would ask my parents about things I heard at school. They made it a safe place instead of getting defensive about where I heard it, if I was thinking of doing it, whatever. I hope I am always an approachable parent...not a friend.... still a parent, but I want our kids to feel like our home is a safe place to ask tough questions and get true answers instead of "ask your dad" or a laugh or you'll figure it out. I have such a short time to speak into our kids lives. I hope we can be a place where they feel safe to talk about hard issues. I want to make sure we always discuss WHY we have the rules we have. I think we do our kids a disservice to just say "We don't drink, smoke, have premarital sex, cuss, etc" This is going to be years of discussing more so the why than just what the rules are. I read "Grace based parenting" a while ago and one thing stuck out to me from that book. That if we are a rule-driven parent, we will create either robots or rebels.  Robots are the rule-followers. They obey their parents mostly because they are people pleasers who don't want to disappoint. On the other hand, rule driven families who do not have an open safe place to communicate difficult things create Rebels. Rebels know the rules and want to push back because there is a limit to go beyond. 

John and I want to be intentional to shepherd our children to make choices. They do need to obey us, but it is always a choice.  Life is full of choices with good and bad consequences. When they face a difficult decision in life, I don't want them to hear my voice shouting rules in their head evoking either guilt or rebellion. I want them to have a foundation of a discussion of the consequences of that choice (good or bad) and know how to walk through a decision making process that will yield a good outcome in their life. I will not always be in their corner telling them which direction to go. I am trying to raise them to make good choices, even as a 3 and 5 year old. We do a LOT of our disciplining through choices (please read scream free parenting, by hal runkel for more on this!). It has brought me so much joy for Reese to start "getting it". The other night, she said "Mom, i really want to ask you for another piece of cake but I know that would be a bad choice because then I'd have a belly ache" One mini-success story in the multitudes of other not-so-shining moments, but with lots of prayer, discernment, and seeking out others who are doing it right, we will do our best to steward the kids we have been blessed with. 

And man do we need wisdom on that one!!

Merry Christmas my little Congolese cuties...

My sweet little ones...
my heart breaks as it is Christmas and two empty stockings hang here without you.  I don't even know where you are, if you are with your mom or family, or tucked away in an orphanage. All I know is that I am missing you more than ever.  I know those two stockings symbolize such a great gift Jesus has given our family in you two.  I hope you feel tonight that you are extremely valued.  I pray you feel love like you can't understand. I am so thankful for your mother's, that carried you nine months in their bodies, trying to do the best they could to give you the life they had to offer.  I pray your mother's feel the favor of God as they have done the most selfless of things.  If they did not bless me with you by choice, I struggle to say thank you to God for the way he has orchestrated her story to collide with mine.  If this is how our stories have met, through death, I pray your mothers knew Jesus closely, prayed sweet prayers over their growing bellies, and are now dancing at the foot of the throne as the master's story unfolds. I thank God for entrusting me two more precious little ones that he has intended for us our whole lives. Our family prayers for you, every night for the last 3 months, have been this.  For the Lord to protect your mind, heart and body. For the Lord to cover you in his love and joy unexplainable. For the Lord to knit us together in our hearts so you know we are coming for you and you know we are a family knit together by our amazing creator. It's so hard to pray when I don't know who, where, or what you are going through, but I consistently ask the spirit to intercede for me on your behalf.  I cannot wait until the day I lay eyes on your precious pictures, and even more so, the glorious day when I get to hold you both in my arms, kiss your sweet brown skin and look into those dark eyes and tell you that "You are mine, You are His, and our family is forever." So Merry Christmas my sweet ones. Rest well tonight knowing that joy is coming this evening. A precious baby entered the world into a situation similar to yours... humble beginnings, a rough journey, a family knit together by so much more than DNA. He is holding you tonight and giving you the only gift that will ever matter to any of us...his love and salvation.
You are a valuable treasure, of immense worth.
Merry Christmas my little daughter and son.