Putting on my oxygen mask

As a teenager I used to think it was so selfish how they told the parents if there was trouble on a plane to put on their own oxygen masks on flights before putting on their children's. I think this thought permeates our way of living somehow and especially women and moms tend to serve others first at the expense of ourselves. At first take it sounds extremely self focused to focus on your self before helping others. But as our premarital counselor so wisely told us, "you can't pour anything out of an empty cup". And there's a reason God commands us to love him first before going about loving others. 

Putting yourself in the backseat is not always humble, it can sometimes be foolish. I've realized I have to prioritize time with God and filling myself up daily before I can pour out. Otherwise I am pouring out from my own strength and it is not kind or useful. 

God has used this year and a half after doubling our children to remind me that he has put me in a place of desperate dependence. Coming off of my month in Congo I felt like I could finally live and breathe again. Congo felt like this huge intentional pause and reset button on my life as God walked me into suffering, sat there with me, and reminded me of his nearness. However once coming back home it is always so tempting to take my eyes off him and live in a place of doing it myself. 

 As I reflect on this last 16 months I realize God has orchestrated circumstances to remind me that I still must live in desperate dependence, I still, minute by minute, have to choose to SET my eyes and affections on him. Even though there's more mouths to feed, more kids to get more places, more things to do around the house, I have to consciously put myself first at his feet and get filled up. 

I watched the IF conference online and two (if not all) of the talks pointed right at me. One point of Jen Hatmaker's was about the verses of communion in Luke 22. She talked about how this was a spiritual upheaval of the systematic ritual of the Passover. Instead of methodically making the way through the meal, Jesus became the meal. He asked the disciples to do this to others. As a kid we always thought "do this in remembrance of me" meant 'think about me when you take communion'. But the word choice he used actually meant to continually day by day be broken and poured out for others. To actually make the gospel real for people each day with our words and our lives. She asked "who is God calling you to break yourself and pour yourself out for? Who is God whispering to make the gospel real for?" For me, most days, these people reside in my home. But I also have to remember I am not the bread or the wine. He is. And I have to receive that from him before I pour out. 

This weekend I spent in the company of a dear group of friends. 

A group that speaks truth over me, challenges me, checks in on the tough places in my life, we hold each others marriages up, call to action, pray for in mid conversation something someone is talking through a struggle. This is bread. This is wine. This is filling up. Pouring Jesus out for each other and into each other. Such a beautiful picture of community. 

I'm sitting on a plane headed back to my house where my amazing husband has been daddy all weekend. He's made meals, taken kids to and from school and birthday parties, even got the girls manicures and made homemade yogurt Popsicles.  From afar he has filled me up. Not with his own efforts, but pointed me to Jesus. Who provides and sacrifices and serves gladly, without bitterness or misguided intentions. 

So I'm so grateful for a weekend of intentionally filling up. Focusing and reflecting on my growth. This is the best gift I can give my kids daily is to point them to seek his kingdom first and everything else will be added. 

Thank you Jesus.

Be a part of something bigger, Part 2

Ok if your day has gone anything like my day so far, your kids woke you up early, spilled their cereal, went to the bathroom on the floor, someone ended up needing to go to the doctor, a grocery store run was a must, dinner made its way in the crockpot, and two different school pickups are about to ensure as I scramble to clean my house for a playdate. These are all fine things, but when this is what every day looks like for me I get bogged down, purposeless, defeated. Don't get me wrong, being a stay at home mom is a gift and a privilege I don't take lightly. But sometimes as women I think we settle in for the mundane because it is a LOT and "has" to be done.
I think there is more. I know there is. There has to be.
Ok, so hopefully you have read part 1 to know the back story. Now on to what is coming next. It's big. It's scary. I can't do it without God. And that is not my daily life. I can sometimes get by without "depending desperately" on him to come through. But not here. Not on this. This is God sized.

We are launching a new Care for Aids center. This will serve 90 people for 9 months until another group of 90 begins for 9 months and then another group of 90...until AIDS is eradicated in that community (It has happened before! 18 centers exist, 3000 graduates, 1000 families currently in the program, 888 lives dedicated to Christ through it!)  It will run through a local church in a village, area, or slum that has been identified as a high risk need for AIDS intervention. The face of this center is all Kenyan. It will be run as if done by the local church, so some American doesn't go in as the face of wealth saving a community and bringing health and hope. No, this is done through the local Kenyan church, empowering it to live and serve the untouchables of its own community. But it requires backing. 24,000$ to launch a new center. Gulp.

We are in. All in. God is going to do it.

Stop right here and throw out any guilt-ridden feelings you have because this task should not induce that. If it does, stop reading and don't think about it again unless God brings it up in your heart. But, if something about this excites you read on, if you- like me- are ready to trade in the mundane for the wild and get your crew on board, then lets go.
We all have extra, we live in excess. We don't think we have extra money, time, or gifts but we do. We have churches, small groups, kids, closets full of clothes, influence, gifts God has given us that are going unused.
What if we cashed in together? We were at first going to do this on our own but God said no. Then as I've written part 1 and already gotten texts, messages and calls from people on how to get involved, I even thought, what if God funds two centers through this? Insane.

Watch this video and see a family transformed by a center and program just like we can be a part of!

I've included ideas below if you are going to jump in with your family. Talk to your spouse, pray about it, bring it up in your small group, pray about it with your kids.  John and I are committed to the full amount, whether we raise it, pay it, sell stuff to get it, whatever, God is going to do it. I know it. But what if you are supposed to be a part? What would so many people miss out on if we just kept this to ourselves and did it quietly and alone? So many people wouldn't get to be on mission with what God is doing, see the struggles and the triumph, be a part of thousands of lives changed. I pray you'll join us if God so leads.
Here are a few practical ideas:
1. Yard sale- get the kids involved. Talk about how many people around the world have no toys, no extra outfit, no bucket full of shoes. Kids are great at putting stickers on things, it is a beautiful activity as a family to purge, downsize your closet and toy box, and do it with a purpose behind it. Donate the proceeds to get this center off the ground. 90 families will immediately be impacted. A community will change. A church will be the feet of Jesus in a new way.

2. Rice and beans nights- we did this every tuesday night for a season of time. It was a time to focus on what others lived off of (namely our son and daughter at that time). We would forgo going out one night and donate that nights dinner cost to a higher purpose. We would set aside 25$ that we would have spent on dinner for that night, thats 100$ a month, 1200$ a year. It focused our prayers and discussion that night of dinner, it got our kids excited about what might happen with that money. It wasn't always roses, there were whiney nights where they were sick of it and didn't want rice again. But sometimes the beauty comes in the "suffering". The sacrifice draws out the value.
3. Small group involvement- (watch out if you are in my group text circles or small group... its coming) what if our small groups got on board? What if we did life together in a new way? What if we came around a purpose together instead of just meeting each week to talk about how to be more like Jesus and we actually did something? Some groups do this really well. Some need direction. Pray about how you could leverage the families in your community. One small group I heard of delivered ziploc bags of rice to neighborhood homes nearby and had a note to "An invitation to 'not eat' dinner with us tonight" and eat how a family in Kenya would eat and then donate a suggested gift of 20$+ to Care for Aids. Opportunities are limitless.
4. Writing letters- if you have kids 3-16+ you can do this as a family. We use the verse "Encourage one another daily as long as it is called today" Memorize it with your kids, and do an activity together to encourage the people of this center and community that are about to enter in to a 9 month overhaul of their health, marriage, spiritual lives, family, learn a new trade, etc. Have your kids draw them pictures, encouraging verses, use stickers, paint whatever. Mail them to me (email me on tab on left for address) and I will get them to Kenya for you! This is a great way to involve our kids in the mission of lifting others up, living out humility and service, and brightening someone's day!
5. Lemonade sale, bake sale, sell African jewelry, etc- Make your community aware, let your kids get some experience in entrepreneurship, ours loved it. They had to take out a "business loan" from us to buy the supplies and make signs and use their kind words and invite customers in. It was a blast!
6. Give as a family- put out a jar as a family. Let the kids do extra chores to fill it up, when you catch your kids doing something kind put money in the jar, let them see you put money in the jar, make verbal choices in front of your kids to forgo something you wanted (coffee, coke, milkshake, getting nails done, whatever) and put that into the jar. See what you come up with at the end of a week, a month, etc.
7. Forward this on- send these two posts to people you know would like to be involved! We all have tons of friends who want to do something for the least of these.
8. GO- see for yourself what is going on over there. Expose your kids, your parents, your friends to this ministry and see how they work on a day to day basis. Stretch your family in a huge way to experience God where he told you he could be found, with the hungry, the sick, the diseased. I hope also we can get a group together for the first graduation from our center and see the first 90 lives changed because a community said Yes to God's prompting.

Now I am not Miss creative so I am sure there are 100 cute ideas to get your kids involved and get on board as a family on this with us. I would love to have you join. Comment with more ideas. Email me and let me know how it is going or if you want to get involved!
Then I pray one day that some of you may go and visit the center you helped plant. I pray you take your kids and say "Look, this is it, this is what God can do when we say yes and give, he gives more, he opens the floodgates, he changes families and saves lives half way around the world because we said yes".  I pray you see the life change that happened from getting on mission as a family, exposing your kids to what can happen when we give God our anything, our gifts, and our hearts. Think of the ripple effect, 90 families, 90 marriages saved, 180 adults presented with Jesus, most likely 180-360 orphans prevented, every nine months, because one center began.

If you are ready to jump in, your giving can go to this link for our center.
John and I are matching all donations 100% until at least one center is funded. We can not wait to see what happens, what God does in your hearts, your stories, your families, your kids hearts. I've already heard stories, gotten texts of already God moments and miracles, this is going to be amazing y'all.
God is huge, we rarely tap into his power and what he wants to unleash in our lives if we just say yes with what he has given us. I think the floodgates just may open...

Be a part of something bigger part 1

A year and a half ago I wrote this post that is so near and dear to my heart for you for casting vision and living on purpose as a family.  Please read that as the back story for this post.  

God has been stirring in our family for a few years now through that exercise how to live on mission and on purpose as a family.  We were giving to our church, sacrificially, and writing that check each month, but our kids rarely saw us write it, give it, or understand the magnitude of that as a family.  We decided we had to move from check-writing to life-living. God had given us these values (generosity/stewardship, gratitude, humility, faith, and relationships). We were teaching them in our home, conversing about them at dinner, praying for them and through them, using them in discipline. But there was still something missing. We had prayed through our 3 buckets of shared passion that would guide our giving and service (the orphan crisis, the unreached, marriage) but they seemed like these three isolated passions that a check would go to each category at random. We started to pray together that God would fuse all of these together, our values, our shared passions, our check writing and our life-living into something we could all get behind as a family. We prayed for a ministry that we could come behind as a family and give to with our money, pray for with our words, serve with our hands, and engage others with our influence.  This is no small task. We were asking something big of God. We were begging for a new chapter in the story of our families to live on purpose and on mission for God while living in suburban america. Adoption was a part of this but not the fulfillment. God had put adoption on the story of our lives and it was a joy to walk forward in that, but it was not the completion of our purpose and mission here. We saw how praying for Maran and Levi, praying for orphans, praying for people with no access to the Bible changed our kids, our perspectives and our hearts. We didn't want to stop there.

So through several "God" moments and connections we were connected to Care For Aids back in 2012 (You can search my Kenya tab on my blog for stories about our experiences with them). We researched, we leaned in hard, we moved slowly, we prayed, we went with our kids, twice. We got to see both sides of this ministry both here and abroad. 

And then this past year God lined it all up for me in my heart after returning from Kenya with our daughter and friends. This was hitting the orphan crisis right in the face, preventing orphans before their family is torn apart by not only the disease of AIDS but the stigma of it, literally keeping parents alive so they can care for their kids, teaching them hygiene, nutrition, and spiritual strength that they could live and leave a God sized legacy for their children. Care for Aids is ministering to the unreached, the untouchables of their communities, the lepers of their society. They are bringing Jesus where there was once no hope, they are showing Christ where there was once witchcraft or superstition, they are infusing the gospel into families that had given up on God. In addition, this was revolutionizing marriages in kenya. Marriage is even more temporary there than it is here. Men are not equipped to be leaders of their home, faithful to their wives, or committed to their children. Throw in the stigma of AIDS and it is an instant death sentence to a marriage. It turns it into a blame game of who gave it to who, I'm done with you, and ostracizes a spouse not only from the family but a community. I got to personally witness the Kenyan staff meet a major marital dispute right in the middle of abuse and address it with love and grace and truth in a way I have never witnessed before. It was beautiful. 

Now I had perspective, I could see what God had been weaving together all along. Our three shared passions, and given us a way to live those out under the umbrella of our family values in a way our kids could wrap their heads around. It was not words around the dinner table anymore for our kids, it was a relationship, an experience, a connection, a memory. 

Our kids were now giving to a mission, a part of a bigger purpose and story, and putting themselves out there to love others well. They even raised almost 1000$ for the ministry themselves. We moved from check-writing to experiencing God in a different way through being a part of a ministry as a family. This wasn't just "John and I's thing" anymore. Our kids' hearts were in it. Reese cries about wanting to go back. Wheeler asks monthly when he will get to go see his friends in Africa again. Maran asks when it will be her turn to go love on the people of Africa. 

It's not an item on our to do list, it is a joy and a privilege to love and serve God with our family in this way. 

And it is also my hope for you. Not that you just follow me and get on board with Care for Aids, although I would love that! But to really seek out what God wants uniquely of your family. To find something to do with your kids, grandkids, friends, whatever. To not only give but eventually go. It may be Care for Aids, and I would love to facilitate that, it may not be, and thats ok. Or it may be this in the in between time until you find your thing...

But I do have a big God sized dream, and you and your family or small group just may be a part of it. We need each other, I need a community to come around this God sized dream. Pray if God is asking you to be involved, and come back tomorrow for part 2, where the rubber meets the road.... lets do this thing.

Firstborn burdens

(Originally a guest blog at www.courtneydefeo.com) 
I’m not much of a New Year’s resolution person. Otherwise I’ll have a laundry list of “to do’s” and “to do betters” at the beginning of the year that overwhelm me and make me not even want to get started. However I am a goal setter and a planner. If I make that list of unattainable resolutions I know I’ll be a perfectionist about it and anxious on how to make it work. If I then do not hit those goals I will feel defeated and like a failure. It is a vicious cycle in my life that can only find rest in the freedom of the gospel.

I see this play out in the eyes of my seven-year-old. She is in a season of feeling burdened by being a big sister to three siblings who always want to play with her and copy exactly what she’s doing. She’s put the weight on herself to be a good example and she easily gets frustrated with herself. I’ve seen this growing and festering in different ways the last few months.

God has given me a radical shift in approaching her as her mom. I see my response to failure in her response. I see my childhood struggles to reach perfection to make my parents proud and be liked in her current struggle. I see my older sister in her as she held the weight of her somewhat self-induced role of caretaker and protector much to the detriment of herself.

A few weeks ago I pulled her aside as she was crying after getting frustrated with her sister. She wasn’t crying because her feelings were hurt. She was crying because her response to her frustration with a sibling sent her into shame and guilt and frustration. Her feelings of failure and inadequacy overwhelmed her and she would not even look at me fearing I would only push further condemnation and pressure on her to do the right thing. It was in that moment I decided to shift my discipline to discipling. I knew that was a pivotal and critical moment for me to either point her to Jesus or continue to strengthen her default- to be a robot of people pleasing.  I said a quick prayer and asked God to speak his words to her and not mine because I knew my wisdom was beyond lacking of what was needed here. Thankfully he answered.

I sat her down and snuggled her in and shared my struggle. I told her how easily I get frustrated with myself when I mess up, when I raise my voice at them, when I am impatient or disengaged. I told her about how I will think on my mistake for weeks, letting it spiral me into shame and deep frustration in myself and how this only furthers my sin because I operate out of trying to fix myself and the same problem worsens. I then told her some version of the following.

Did you know God loves you the same amount the moment where you are shouting and pushing your sibling as the moment where you are hugging them and making good choices with kind words?  He looks down and loves you the same in those two moments. Because when he looks at you he sees Jesus in your place and the perfection of His life covering up the sin of yours. God is not some far distance away shaking his head at you sarcastically saying ‘I told you so, you should’ve made a better choice.’ No, he is so close, cheering for you, delighting in you, encouraging you in your heart to find your value and freedom in him, choosing to believe his grace and mercy over Satan offering guilt and shame.

I don’t say this all so you can know that God loves you the same as if you made a good choice so why not go on making bad choices, but that the grace we find at that broken place should point us to our design. We were designed to love like he did. That is why we get so frustrated at ourselves when we mess up. But we shouldn’t let our shame take us down, but instead find the grace that I don’t have to meet the standard of perfection, it has already been met for me in Jesus. That truth should free me up to be who I was created to be.

It should release me from guilt and shame and allow me to lean on Him for strength to battle my sin. Because the more we try to ‘not sin’ we will find ourselves doing it more and more, because our own strength is not enough for that battle. God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. If we aren’t weak then we aren’t a candidate for Christ’s power, so don’t get frustrated that you are broken and messed up. But in that lean on his grace, ask for his power, and he has promised it will be given to you.

Thank you Jesus for that truth that you reminded me in the midst of my child’s struggle. He spoke to me as I spoke the words to her. I felt myself tear up as I felt a renewed sense of his grace wash over all the places I have been so frustrated with my shortcomings as a mom, wife, and woman of God. I don’t have to be perfect, his power is made perfect when I am at my worst.

God, help us to steer our children right to your heart. Help me as I mother these 4 blessings and teach them about the relentless grace you offer. Help me rest in Christ’s perfection and power and stop striving on my own to reach unrealistic goals. Help me lay my list of ‘to do’s and to do betters’ at your feet and let you infuse your power into making me more of who you created me to be.

God is close to the brokenhearted

It has been so neat to have such great conversations with Maran over the last 2 months or so. We have seen a sudden shift in her to start talking about and sharing her feelings instead of shutting them out or pretending it doesn't affect her.  Back in October we shared more of her story with her about how she came to be in an orphanage in DR Congo and then in our home.  Our goal from the beginning was always to be as transparent as is appropriate so she feels like we have never hidden anything from her and she can come to us about anything, nothing is taboo or off limits in our family when it comes to her talking about her adoption.  So on that early November night as we shared with her, it was the first time we have seen her weep, grieve, wail over her past.  She healthily grieved and processed what has gone on in her little life and story. She has told me memories about Congo and where she lived before the orphanage. But it was always cold and distant. This brought a new realness to it all, a closeness.  She finally felt safe enough to lean on me for handling it and shared how it hurt and how she missed and how she was sad and even in her own words "my heart is broken". It has opened up doors for conversation about where God is in suffering that I never thought I would be having with my 5 year old who spoke her first english word just over a year and two months ago. It ebbs and flows in and out of daily life as I pick her up from school, we play games, or during our time as a family reading about Jesus. One night was particularly memorable as we had just finished the story about Naaman. I read the final words,

"God healed you. You can't pay," Elisha said. "It's free".

And so it was that a very sick man was healed- all because of a little servant girl who forgave him. God knew sin was like leprosy. It stopped his children's hearts from working properly and in the end it would kill them.  Years later, God was going to forgive as the servant girl did- to forgive all of God's children and heal the terrible sickness in their hearts.

Their hearts were broken.

But God can mend broken hearts"

Now normally during anything that involves being still, Maran is all over the place. Usually not listening attentively but checking out her fingernails, my hair, the Christmas tree lights, etc. But here eyes were peeled as I read the end of that story. She responded.

"Mom, why hasn't God healed my broken heart yet?"

This has been the question she has asked day after day, week after week for over a month now. She came to that conclusion, I never put the thought in her head that her heart was broken and needed fixing. She told her family that her heart is broken. It is in need of a Savior. She didn't ask me to fix it. It's like she knew it was something only he can do. And in faith like a child she looked up and asked why on earth her daddy in heaven hadn't fixed it yet. Tears came to my eyes as I tried to answer that it takes time, but God promises he will heal our hearts. It may not be fixed until heaven or he may fix all of it before then, I don't know, but I know he is mending broken pieces together and writing a new story. That answer seems to appease her until the next time she asks.

So one morning I went in her room and I said "Maran, I have been thinking and praying for your heart and God gave me a verse for you. God is close to the broken hearted". We chatted about if she likes being close to mommy, snuggling and hugging or if she would rather me a long distance away. (My child who can never be close enough to anyone and has no idea of why anyone would want personal space) She replied emphatically that hugging, snuggled, cheek to cheek is best. And I told her, well God sees your broken heart and sad heart and that makes him want to be even closer to you! He promises it! He will be so close all of your life as you go in and out of sadness and on the days when you don't understand how you got here or why this has happened to you. He is close. 

It was like I had just given her christmas gifts to her. Her eyes lit up and she hugged herself and squealed. A few hours later, the interchange wasn't top of mind for me and she came over to me and grabbed my face. "Mom, I want to teach you and everyone in this world my song I made up."

It went something like this,

"God loves you, I love him, even when you have a sad or broken or bad heart he doesn't mind, he is close close close to you. God loves you, I love him, even when my heart is bad I know he loves me too, because he is always close to me."

God promises his word doesn't return void. It was like a balm to hear soul that day and it sunk in deep. 

Our counselor encouraged Maran to share her story with her sister and brother. It is of course hers to share so we hadn't told Reese or Wheeler. We had some one on one time with the girls so I asked Maran if she thought it was a good time to share with reese. She excitedly said yes with only a slight shy hesitation, she grabbed her Congo picture book and we all sat on the couch. Maran shared in broken pieces her story and asked me to fill in in some spots. I watched as my 7 year old started to weep. Heaving weeps for her sister. It was beauty in my children like I rarely see. Reese saw her for who she is, where she has come from, what she has been through. And she met her there. In her sadness and wept for her. Maran was fine this time sharing and didn't get upset. But she was shocked why Reese was crying. "Reese, why are you getting sad, why are you crying? Are you crying for me? Are you sad about me?" Reese couldn't answer. It was the most perfect way I have seen them love each other. Maran's bravery and trust to share it with Reese and Reese meeting her there with a heartfelt response. Later in the day I pulled Reese aside and chatted with her about it as we painted nails. I asked her what she was thinking as she cried. She teared up again and said how sad she was for Maran and how hard that must've been. How she can't imagine losing her family and going to live with a different one. For the first time she understood adoption from both sides. The trauma and the beauty. The loss and the gift. 

It has been a beautiful process as we walk through this together. It is tough and challenging as I navigate uncharted waters. But it is worth it. It is hard work but it is worthy work. I will sit on the sidelines in awe as watch as God works, moves, heals, starts a fresh, teaches, and comes close. 

Marriage soapbox pt. 2

So on part 1 I went into a little detail on the struggles of marriage and what has been a good strategy for us to keep up our connection and protect our relationship. Please read that first to get some context/back story for this if you have time!

I've been talking with some other friends on marriage and how God has directed us in certain ways to protect it and fight for it and thought I would follow up here. Again, disclaimer, we do not have the perfect marriage and I am oh so far from a perfect or even great wife. We mess up daily and thus have gotten pretty good at the whole apology and forgiveness thing because we have so many opportunities to practice it! I only hope to refresh for myself and hope to pass along awesome wisdom God, pastors, and other awesome women have given me! (A few great resources are Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, The meaning of marriage by Tim Keller, Love and War by John eldrege, Guardrails sermon series by Andy Stanley, etc)
One thing we worked on and actually stuck from our pre-marital counseling was setting boundaries for our marriage. This was a crucial step for us and has been something we have used as a line in the sand on certain issues and as continual struggles come up, we can usually identify a boundary that needs to be set there. I like two of the webster definitions on boundary: a point of limit that indicates where two things become different; unofficial rules about what should not be done: a limit that defines acceptable behavior.
Now we didn't want our marriage to get bogged down with silly rules like don't leave the toilet seat down or always put your dish in the dishwasher. These are unrealistic and aren't of the highest priority for us so it didn't make sense to basically dumb down the seriousness of a boundary in our marriage.
We boiled it down to a few areas:
Fighting Fair- we realized we had to set some boundaries there or trust/security in our marriage will crumble really quickly as the gloves come off during a fight. We together sat down and worked on a list of non-negotionables in a fight. As Andy Stanley says, a guardrail on the high way is not something you ride your car up against and get as close to as possible, just the opposite, it is there in sight as a boundary that you want to keep your distance from. So just because we set these boundaries doesn't mean we want to always get as close as possible to them, these are something we have agreed we will not go near, even when joking.

1. Never say/threaten/joke about divorce. It is not an option on the table. Now on the contrary I have learned in the last few years I am not immune to it. The less we connect and the more we cross our boundaries we will be a prime candidate for it and it would be pride to think we are above ever getting to that point. But we have decided in fights it is something we will never threaten, say as a problem solving option, etc. Not even as a joke when we are not in a fight. This creates insecurity in a marriage and leaves it out there as an option on the table.
2. Don't get physical- this includes grabbing, hitting, pushing, slamming doors, etc. This is a non-negotionable for us as well. We both agreed and have full understanding this is something we will stay far away from in our marriage.
_____________
Some notes from a sermon at church I jotted down on fighting fair (summitrdu.com):
A. Overlook what you can (Prov 19:11, Prov 12:16) This does not apply to things that do lasting damage (abuse, etc) and Grace filled speech doesn't mean you always keep your mouth shut. Eph 4:25 But always speak when it is in the best interest of the person or your relationship.
B. Examine your own heart- You'll probably find anger, malice, etc. Your reaction in anger can show if Satan has a foothold there. Don't just control your anger, uproot it. It is smoke signals of an idol burning in your heart.
C. Be practical in how you fight- Prov 12:18 Your words should be healing, or for the purpose of moving towards wholeness. Boundarize your fights. Don't fight in the bedroom. Don't fight after 11pm. That is not letting the sun go down on your anger, it is saying we are both tired and nothing kind is coming out of our mouths, lets agree to pause this and punt it to a certain named time tomorrow because we want to finish this well. Sometimes it takes a good 24 hours to separate unrighteous irritation from righteous anger.
D. Be slow to speak and quick to listen- Prov 18:13- The vast majority of communication problems are not expression problems, they're listening problems. Be a servant listener. Seek first to understand and not be understood. Don't interrupt- that is an attitude saying 'my thoughts are more important than yours'. Don't give premature advice, be a companion in pain not a solution to the problem.
E.Seek Resolution not victory- Focus not on self-vindication but on your spouses and your own sanctification. I don't need to defend myself. Jesus has already done that. Let vindication be God's.
F. Believe in God's overriding purposes in your marriage- In seasons of long suffering in marriage remember God has appointed you to be together. God has brought you together to glorify his name and point others to himself. Let that hope pull you through and rest yourself in the promises of God not in the hope that your spouse will change; they may never but He will sustain.
G. Speak Grace Saturated words- No "You" statements, for every negative remark have several positive, no sarcasm or condescending speech, no public confrontations.
H. Truly forgive- Do not get hysterical or historical in an argument. If you are bringing up past arguments that have been resolved it is an indication you didn't truly forgive. You don't have to forget but don't use it as ammunition against your spouse. Forgiveness is never conditional on your spouses repentence. It is between you and God- an overflow of his forgiveness of you.
I. Do all things out of reverence for Christ- This is the only way you will have strength is when the cross gets large in your life. When the cross is small in your life your spouses sins are huge. Do it for Jesus. Maybe this is how God will glorify himself in your marriage. Christ is worthy when your spouse is not. Retribution never changes a heart, only grace. Retribution coerces behavior but grace changes a heart.
**None of this applies to a situation of continual abuse**
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Extra-Marital relationships/Friendships- we are all only a few steps away from an affair. I used to say "I would never do that" almost casting judgement on anyone who has. But the more we get into our marriage I realize it isn't something someone sets out to do with full intention. It is a slip here, a slight twist of the truth here and Satan has twisted you into believe this is a better path for you.
1. No alone time with members of opposite sex- this means riding in the car, meeting in a private/date-like place (ie. restaurant, coffee shop etc). With John's work he is around young women a lot. He has made this a line in the sand and it honors me so much and allows me to trust without reservation in this area. His meetings with female managers happen out in the restaurant, he doesn't ride in the car alone with them, nothing happens behind closed doors, etc. This at times has caused awkward situations before and he has had to call me or someone else to ride with him to the airport, meeting etc so that he was not alone in the car with another woman. This allows for no grey areas even if John didn't do anything it allows him to have integrity that no one could even really claim anything happened when it didn't. I heard once that Billy Graham would have someone walk into a hotel room before him to make sure there wasn't a female cleaning person or crazy fan in the room so he didn't have any room for temptation or accusation.
Finances- this is a big area for tension in marriage. It can turn into a blame game really quick here. Finances really points at our heart in a way nothing else does so of course this is an area that a lot of ugliness can come out.
1. No purchases over 500$ without running it by your spouse- you can set the limit for your marriage but this was a good number for us that allowed freedom and not a watchdog mentality on each other but was just a healthy limit for us to include the other person in on bigger decisions. This kept things in the light in this area and allowed us to feel valued and considered in larger financial decisions instead of a fight on the back end.

2. Using "WE" in financial discussions instead of "You"- John laid this one out beautifully. I couldn't have even articulated that this was becoming a problem for us so it was one we added about a year into our marriage. When we were doing budgeting or paying bills or looking at our statement it can be so damaging to hear "you can't spend like this" 'You have got to do better on spending less at the grocery store" etc. John does so well to bring himself into the solution even if it is actually mostly on me. He will say things like "let's try to do better next month on our eat out category" or "can we possibly lower our grocery spending by x amount". Sure I may know that the work is still on my end but it takes the defensiveness out of the argument and is a great reminder that we are on the same team on this and are both here as a support and encouragement for each other in this area.

We have a few other categories and boundaries under them but I hope that it at least gets the discussion started with your spouse of building a hedge of protection around your marriage. We have had to add along the way boundaries when it comes to sex, technology, parenting, etc. Satan wants nothing but to tear our marriages apart. Or even take good things, like kids, jobs, ministry and let them supersede our marriages and subtly let them wither away into a distant connection. We miss the mark a lot. And like I said in part 1 we have even reached out to Christian counselors at certain seasons in our marriage to check-in, get advice, and grow. There is nothing wrong with that and I hate it is a stigma in our culture.
I pray this week you make time to sit down with your spouse and discuss this! We are on our date night coming up this Friday (it is our 10 year anniversary of J asking me to marry him!:). It needs to be a continual check-point for us so we can keep this at the forefront of our relationship! We have to ask Jesus to forgive us daily on the way we mess up and let each other down. I know John cannot fulfill what Jesus is supposed to in my heart. It is usually when those two positions are out of whack when I put unrealistic and stressful expectations on John and our marriage. Leave room for grace. Extend forgiveness. Love out of the overflow of how you have been loved by a big God. And enjoy the ride.

I get to call Him daddy

We were in a crowded place last weekend touring our old university and showing the kids around. We brought the kids' scooters and they were rarely right beside us but always zipping around in front or behind. One small moment in the day, I didn't think anything of it at the time, revisited me this morning in such a powerful way my words will not do it justice. We were in a crowd. Maran wasn't near either of us. John was 40 feet in front of her and I was about 20 feet behind her. She started calling for daddy to show him something she saw while riding. She started excitedly shouting "daddy!! Daddy!" Everyone was looking around trying to help her, but not seeing a man that matched her skin color.  You could see some panic on a few older women's faces, concern on several others.  I observed all this from a few steps behind. She made her way through a few people still happily shouting "Daddy!!" Finally, John turned around and acknowledged what she saw and excitedly celebrated with her for seeing whatever it was. First on people's face was confusion. That is not who they thought would show up as her daddy. Then it was intrigue. That's her daddy? Surely not. For John, though, it was delight. His daughter wanted to share something she loved with him and he relished in the moment with her.
I thought about that this morning during worship at church. We sang 'O fount of love' and I was wrecked as I sang "Mercy cleansing every stain, now rushing over us like a flood, There the wretch and vilest ones stand adopted through his blood."..."Praise the Lord! The price is paid, the curse defeated by the Lamb, We who once, were slaves by birth, sons and daughters now we stand"
I think what God has done in my own heart through our adoption is show me a different facet of his love. It comes to life in a way where didn't once before. It grabs a hold of my heart in a way I've never felt. As I sang those words back to God, I thought of myself. The wretch and vilest one who now stands adopted through his blood. I get to call him Daddy. I am not his biological daughter. I was born into sin and slavery and bondage. But, I, who was a slave by birth a daughter now I stand.
I thought of this whole interchange as it played out that day with Maran and John. That's her daddy. It may not look like it. They may not "match". But he is no less her daddy than he is Reese's daddy. So yes, it may cause others to stare and think 'That's her daddy?'  Yes. We get to call her daughter.
Maran and Levi's adoption in no way is it a picture of our "perfect and gracious" love coming to rescue and redeem her and drag her out of a pit. More so it is our imperfect love, covered by a big God, who intersected our stories and filled a deep longing in both of our hearts.

My righteousness in the flesh is dirt compared to God's. So you would look at my heart and look at his and think there is no way. That can't be her dad, they don't match, she doesn't measure up. But sure enough, he calls me daughter. That's my daddy. He laid down his life and gave me his righteousness so that I don't have to try to measure up to earn his love. He lavishes love on me freely simply because I am his daughter, adopted and freed, purchased and redeemed, rescued and fought for.

Today is orphan sunday, please take time to pray today about how you can get involved in the orphan crisis. That could be through orphan prevention: sponsoring a child/family, helping a ministry who exists to keep families together, etc. This could be through prayer, supporting financially, exploring adoption, foster care, helping someone who is adopting fundraise, serving on an overseas trip, being a mentor for a child in foster care, etc. There are so many avenues to helping orphans, just take the step God has called you to!