vocal processing from a single mom for the week....

so...my hubs has been out of town for 8 days over the last week and a half. this is not normal for us thankfully. Otherwise, I would be in an institution most likely... Satan has used this time to attack me. On the first full day he was gone, i was supermom. Got our daughter to school at the bright hour of 7:30am on time, lunch in hand, hair cutely put up, etc. Got ready and got our son leave the house at 8:40. Grocery store, cleaned the house, dropped off dry cleaning, back to pick wheeler up, then off to pick reese up. All with a great attitude that spilled over into my kids as we jumped on the trampoline, painted christmas trees (i rarely paint in our house with the kids because it takes 20 minutes to set up and clean up and they are done with it in 5), dinner on the table at the dark hour of 5:15, baths, tons of bedtime stories etc. I called my friend the next day and talked about how amazing it all was and how I was determined to have a great week, blah blah. Tuesday came and wednesday and it was all another story. The kids know what to do when Dad is out of town. They argued, made huge messes, went to bed terribly, wet the bed, and so on. Satan kept whispering in my ear...and you think you can do 4?
Fast forward to a great weekend together as a family and then John heads out of town again for these 3 days. Man, I am wiped. I am not designed to be alone. I don't just miss John bc of the help he is with the kids, i need some adult conversations as i plop on the couch, I enjoy laughing with him about some part of our day, I need a good snuggle/back rub to calm me down sometimes, I even just like sitting next to him. Instead, i caught up on Greys, read blogs for hours and hours, and went to bed early (for me at least, by 10:45/11 each night).
Its just been one of those days. The kids were making mad faces at each other in the car as soon as i picked up reese today. Reese was crying about it. Finally i slightly raised my voice and said "wheeler, stop it!". Then a voice from the backseat calls to me and says, Mom, "A soft answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15:1". Shoot. Guilt sets in, apologies go around the car, and we pull it back together. Let me tell you how it is getting put in your place by a 5 year old, but I am still thankful for it!
So, I have one more day on the count down... but I am choosing to not let this take me down! Even though I have pee on my clothes from cleaning another wet bed and I have not showered today... Yes, even on a day like this, I still want 4 kids. I know the adjustment will be hard, I know that I will be fighting years of trauma, loss and hurt with those kids. But I am excited to walk through it. Fearful at times, but excited mostly. Someone told me they will be so lucky to have parents like us.  They are not "lucky"... They have been abandoned, they have been in some form of neglectful situation in an orphanage with no consistent form of love and comfort. That does not sound lucky to me.  That will forever be part of their story and I will not try to hide it away from them. We will have to work through it.  But, I will be blessed to have a chance to enter in to their story and be a part of what the Lord has for them...for all of us.
I probably should just delete this post, but since John isn't here, I needed some vocal processing time...

Adoption Update

We are officially on the waiting list!!! We are currently at #15! I don't know why this made me so excited when I saw the email in my inbox, because we have gone from one form of waiting to another....BUT this feels like major progress! instead of just waiting on paperwork or waiting on a home study, we are actually on a list waiting for our children! We may not travel until summer/fall 2012, but it still feels like we are moving toward it!
In other news, I am going to UGANDA! This has been a dream of mine since high school. I have tried twice to go to Africa and for random reasons (one being a positive on a pregnancy test as I was awaiting my yellow fever shot) it has never worked out, once even my money was raised! I am excited to go on this trip with Visiting Orphans and get to serve the orphans of Canaan's children's home, children that will never be adopted. I am also excited at the opportunity to help at the feeding program run by Amazima and Katie Davis. That book and blog has been a catalyst for so much in my life, I am excited to see the hands and feet of it as it serves the "least of these". I am also praying God moves in huge ways of clarifying my role in the orphan crisis beyond adoption.
Please be praying for these things, as well as for the rest of the clearances/approvals to come quickly since being on the waiting list is pending those things! I just sobbed at church yesterday while we were singing thinking "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come for you". Jesus' words. I interceded them for my sweet children. I hope they know we are coming for them!

Christmas Gift Ideas with a purpose

So, Christmas shopping has left me feeling a little conflicted.  The idea of how far our money goes here versus how far it could go to feed children or bring them home has left me a little troubled when it comes to buying gifts. My friend challenged me not to get bitter about it, but to tell a story with it, and it still be an expression of love in the giving, but it can also help another person in a hard place. So I decided to share with you some ideas I had that could be giving someone on your list an awesome gift, while giving back to communities in Africa, guatamala and India. Hope this helps as your Christmas shop for someone you love, all while serving the least of these!

Jewelry
There are tons of options here! I love noonday collections at www.noondaycollection.com/. See below for some ideas in the 20-30$ range (one is 70$). Not pictured, but tons more great necklaces and bracelets to choose from at redearthtradingco.com

Or head over to Amazima at www.amazimastore.org/ to help change the story of a lady in Uganda with these cute buys (they also have a cute bracelet!), all for 19.95$...

If the lady on your list is more into scarves and bags... try these from noonday collection and 147millionorphans.com

Need something for a teenage girl or boy? Or a trendy twenty? Check out watches and hoodies from hellosomebody at http://hellosomebody.bigcartel.com/ These go to change the story of kids in Rwanda. The mini watches even fit kids!

Can't leave out the shirts! Try one from visitingorphans.com! They also have tons of colors of earrings and necklaces for 10-20$. This is the ministry I am traveling to Uganda with in April.

Cant miss the shoes... I love my Toms and I love that every time i buy a pair, it gives a pair to a kid in a poverty situation. Check out these cute styles for kids, men and women!

And lastly, for the reader in your life... I suggest Radical by David Platt or Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. Who knows, the 10-20$ you spend on a book for someone, God may use that gift to change their story! 

Also, for kids, there is nothing greater than teaching them to love and serve the least of these, beautifully written by Francis Chan in Ronnie Wilson's gift. He also has a great book called the Red Tractor for kids as well. 

Happy Shopping! I hope we can tell a powerful story in our giving this Christmas! 

heavy hearted

My heart has been heavy the last week or two.  It has hit me in a whole new way that MY son and daughter are laying in an orphanage somewhere, thousands of miles from me.  Talk about no control...
I have felt a lack of control before.  Tying on Wheeler's hospital gown as I signed a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if he didn't wake up from anesthesia, watching as Reese jumped out of the car on her first day of kindergarten.... but nothing like this.
My son may not have eaten today, my daughter may not have been hugged or kissed today, my son may have hepatitis from drinking water with fecal matter in it, my daughter may not be getting the nutrients she needs or go to bed hungry tonight, my son may not have been told I love you today, my daughter may cry herself to sleep, or may have learned to stop crying because no one comes.  I.dont.know.
I have had a heavy heart lately. I think as a mom, our first gut instinct is to care for the very basic needs of our children. I cannot do this for our children right now. It has forced me to trust and cry out to God in a whole new way. It has hit me in a new way that I am totally out of control. But, it has brought me to my knees so quickly to realize that I can't hold my children, but He can. I can't make them laugh today, but He can. I can't tell them they are loved today, but He will for me. I am praying all of this in Jesus name. That they are fed. Filled with Joy. Comforted. Overwhelmed in love and a feeling of value despite what society has told them. I pray they feel adopted and not abandoned today. I pray they know God is holding them tonight when I can't. I pray in Jesus name that He is already knitting their hearts to ours. I pray they feel in their souls that their family is coming for them.
Then I pray for the other 147 million that may not have someone interceding for them. I pray God calls families to action on their behalfs. I pray they do not have to look at a cement wall instead of a mother's face for any longer.
Please join me in praying for our son and daughter,  the 26,000 children who will die tomorrow of hunger,

 and the millions and millions of orphans around this world. Only a BIG God can do something about this, I have no control, and I surrender that to the one who is in full control.