Wednesday, November 16, 2011

vocal processing from a single mom for the week.... hubs has been out of town for 8 days over the last week and a half. this is not normal for us thankfully. Otherwise, I would be in an institution most likely... Satan has used this time to attack me. On the first full day he was gone, i was supermom. Got our daughter to school at the bright hour of 7:30am on time, lunch in hand, hair cutely put up, etc. Got ready and got our son leave the house at 8:40. Grocery store, cleaned the house, dropped off dry cleaning, back to pick wheeler up, then off to pick reese up. All with a great attitude that spilled over into my kids as we jumped on the trampoline, painted christmas trees (i rarely paint in our house with the kids because it takes 20 minutes to set up and clean up and they are done with it in 5), dinner on the table at the dark hour of 5:15, baths, tons of bedtime stories etc. I called my friend the next day and talked about how amazing it all was and how I was determined to have a great week, blah blah. Tuesday came and wednesday and it was all another story. The kids know what to do when Dad is out of town. They argued, made huge messes, went to bed terribly, wet the bed, and so on. Satan kept whispering in my ear...and you think you can do 4?
Fast forward to a great weekend together as a family and then John heads out of town again for these 3 days. Man, I am wiped. I am not designed to be alone. I don't just miss John bc of the help he is with the kids, i need some adult conversations as i plop on the couch, I enjoy laughing with him about some part of our day, I need a good snuggle/back rub to calm me down sometimes, I even just like sitting next to him. Instead, i caught up on Greys, read blogs for hours and hours, and went to bed early (for me at least, by 10:45/11 each night).
Its just been one of those days. The kids were making mad faces at each other in the car as soon as i picked up reese today. Reese was crying about it. Finally i slightly raised my voice and said "wheeler, stop it!". Then a voice from the backseat calls to me and says, Mom, "A soft answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15:1". Shoot. Guilt sets in, apologies go around the car, and we pull it back together. Let me tell you how it is getting put in your place by a 5 year old, but I am still thankful for it!
So, I have one more day on the count down... but I am choosing to not let this take me down! Even though I have pee on my clothes from cleaning another wet bed and I have not showered today... Yes, even on a day like this, I still want 4 kids. I know the adjustment will be hard, I know that I will be fighting years of trauma, loss and hurt with those kids. But I am excited to walk through it. Fearful at times, but excited mostly. Someone told me they will be so lucky to have parents like us.  They are not "lucky"... They have been abandoned, they have been in some form of neglectful situation in an orphanage with no consistent form of love and comfort. That does not sound lucky to me.  That will forever be part of their story and I will not try to hide it away from them. We will have to work through it.  But, I will be blessed to have a chance to enter in to their story and be a part of what the Lord has for them...for all of us.
I probably should just delete this post, but since John isn't here, I needed some vocal processing time...

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