humbled..

The last few days the lord has really humbled me. Over the course of a series of events, God has really spoken to me about how loosely i use and understand the term blessing.
First, A friend of a friend (also a person on staff at the church we go to) his wife went into preterm labor with their first child (they have 2 adopted) and he only lived 24 hours.  They had already picked out his name (Chai hebrew for "alive") and i just received updates as things were happening and had such a burden on my heart to pray for them. I prayed a lot of that day and when i heard that Chai died, i was sadder than I thought I would be over a baby of a couple i didn't even know.  But God really used that to draw me to himself and reveal a little more of his character.  One of the things the dad said was that they hoped his name had meaning to pull him through this hard time, that he could stay alive and push through, but after he passed he realized God cared more about him being fully alive in him instead of on this earth.  The faith of this couple throughout this process has been incredible. I have enjoyed following their blog lately and just hearing the father speak to these hurting people.  God is truly close to the broken hearted because if ever a time to turn and doubt, they are running that much harder to God.
Next, I was really emotionally effected all week by my dear friend who has been in the adoption process almost 2 years now.  They finally got selected for a baby and then a few days out from the due date heard that paperwork stuff was falling through.  It really got me down and i just felt in a funk for a few days. (I know that sounds selfish because i can't imagine what she was going through if it was effecting me like this!).
Then sunday at church, the pastor said something about how flippantly we use the name of God. How we don't understand the power it holds when we throw it around without tagging along the weight and glory that come with it. Then it was like God was tapping on my shoulder... You do the same thing about my blessing. Now going back a few months, God has really been teaching me a lot about blessings and really getting my heart prepared for what he has to reveal. I have never felt at a place so content, so "not-wanting" for much other than him before yet in my faith. But even still, I just began to realize this weekend how flippantly i have said Thanks for our blessings and taught our kids to say "thank you God for all our blessings... Jesus, family, friends, house," the list goes on and on. For me this weekend I have just thought about the blessing God has given me in our marriage and our kids. The way i live my life and speak some times, i am basically just treating those blessings as if they don't have the weight they do. I do not understand why God blessed us with 2 healthy wonderful kids. Neither of which we struggled to conceive (just the opposite actually) nor struggled with health issues (i don't really even count wheeler's ear issues when i think about the struggles others have). Yet i totally complained through pregnancy, felt like i wouldnt survive some days with two babies at home, and even still, nitpick over how hard my day was with two kids in the throngs of toddlerhood. How humbling to think about God looking at me wondering is this what you have to say about my blessing? Now granted, life isnt rosy rosy and the kids will always test my patience and it will be a challenge raising them until they are out of the house and beyond, but my perspective needs to continually shift.  With a heart that understands the weightiness of the blessing i have been giving, there is less room for petty complaining... when i really grasp what the Lord has given and can take away at any moment, it dissipates the frustration over the silly stuff i am dealing with. I look back over my life and i can't really find huge problems or major disasters or trauma or devastation.  The closest i have come to that is losing Drew. And i ask God, why me? Why so many blessings. I empathize with these other people who are going through this heavy stuff and leaning on the Lord so strongly.  But yet, I don't grasp the full weigh of what God has done in my life. I know this is all rambling and it is just where i am right now as i process, but all this to say.. I want to really understand each day the blessing God has put in my life, and not treat it flippantly or with entitlement or just a "that's the way it is" attitude.  I have no no idea the scale God loves me. I feel very small and I like being in that place with God. I pray he reminds me of it minute by minute and prepares me to love on others as they walk their journey. I know there will be a place in mine where I will be at a crossroads and will need that person to lean on. Sorry for all the ramblings... I'll continue to flesh out what the Lord is teaching me over time.  I am thankful that he speaks.
In following up, i am praying hard has my dear friend got an amazing God moment call that the paperwork went through and heard this right before the baby was being delivered so she is out in las vegas now picking up a baby hopefully in the next few hours. I am praying hard that details line up smoothly, for the health of the baby and the mothers substance abuse not to have hurt the child. I am praying for their hearts as parents that God is preparing them to take on his child and bring her into their family just as God has adopted us into his. Praise Jesus!