Open Handed

This whole adoption process has taught me more about holding things, money, blessings, and most importantly relationships with an open hand.
We received a document the other day saying we had passed court and our children had legally taken our last names as their own. I cannot tell you the feeling of looking down at a sheet of paper totally in french but see my husbands and my names and then see our children's names, whom we have never met, with our last name attached. After their new name is written out it says in french "You have made justice" or "You have done justice". Those words hit me so powerfully.
I automatically thought of Jesus on the cross. I thought of what he had to go through to make my identity change and adoption final. I think of him looking at his father saying, you can't condemn her, Justice has been done on the cross. I no longer stand condemned because my name has been changed, I have a new family and new identity, and justice has been done and can't be undone on my behalf. What a beautiful picture.
John and I have not "done justice" by adopting these two children. Jesus has. Jesus is the one who called, who asked. We merely responded with a tiny yes and walked forward. God has redeemed his children, God has defended the fatherless, God has done justice for the oppressed. Praise Jesus I got to stand on the sidelines at watch.
Now that we have our "final judgement of adoption" we begin a 30 day waiting period. This is the final time any birth family members may step forward for the children. We will not have full parental rights until August 3 when we receive a document called a CONA- certificate of non appeal saying these children are legally ours and cannot be taken from us. Wow. First we see our name attached to these two little ones. Then we have to again hold them with an open hand.
 Letting God do what only he can do. He can give or take away. I have prayed every day that God would continue to write the story he wants with these two little lives and our four here. My heart is first for orphan prevention, but in response to trauma, I feel like adoption is then the answer. I would be absolutely beyond crushed and devastated if a family member stepped forward. I would be thankful they would be reunited with their birth family, but selfishly at a loss of the children we hoped and prayed for. But God is teaching me to trust, to lean in, to depend, to believe He has a better story than I think I could write for myself. My prayers have been strengthened, our relationship has become more intimate, our conversations have become more desperate and real.
It is truly like being put to the fire as he refines me, strips away selfishness, takes myself off the throne I put me on. I am slowly learning to hold all I have been given with an open hand. My trust and love for the Lord is not dependent on the blessings he gives me or what gets taken from my life. My trust and love is for the savior that hung on a cross for me and when he was dying, he called out "it is finished".
He has done justice.