One Big truth

I'm so excited to link up over at Lil' light O mine!
So, I started reflecting on what is One Big Truth God has taught me over the last few years and came up with 3. So I boiled 2 of them together and now I guess these are 2 big truths for me.

 I want an easy life.

There, I said it. It has been a running theme in my life since childhood. But only as an adult does it really rear its ugly head. I wrote the longer story of it here, but what it boils down to is, I was building my life around easy. I began expecting it. I planned for it. After all, I know the plans I have for myself. Plans to prosper myself and not to harm myself...right? A pretty house, great marriage, 2 kids and the American dream, sprinkling in some God stuff, was looking pretty nice, until Jesus spoke in my heart..."really? is that all you want? really?" These things aren't inherently bad, but when they are top priorities they cloud out any room for God to ask. When they take root in my heart then I am less likely to say yes when God asks us to obey.  When I really sat down face to face with Jesus and poured out my idol of easy at his feet, my heart began spilling open. I cared about the orphan crisis, I now saw human trafficking, I hurt for the addict, the homeless, the unwed mother. It is easier to live for easy. But it is not full. It is empty, shallow, boring.

I want the life he has for me. 

I finally started to find it. Piece by piece. This was the exciting life, the life that ruffled feathers, the adventurous life, the hard, the messy. After tasting this, even when it is bitter, this is the life I want more than easy. I want all he has for me. I still haven't even given myself over to it completely and he is already blowing me out of the water. When I put down my pen for my story and just let the author write it was far more beautiful. He knows the plans he has for us and I just merely need to listen and hold on for the ride. But truth is, I still desire easy in my flesh. This is a daily, minute by minute battle to sacrifice my wants for his, and continue to pray that our desires line up with His. As Francis Chan says, "Paul said it like this: 'No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since it is his aim to please the one who enlisted him.' Don't most of us do the opposite? We busy ourselves with civilian pursuits and occasionally jump into the battle when we feel compelled. Being entangled in the civilian lifestyle has become the accepted norm. It is even applauded so long as we can point to some occasional Kingdom activity." This is hard, and I still wrestle with how to live fully for Him as a stay at home mom of 4. I am continually asking what it looks like to die to self and live for Him. Beyond the sunday school cliche of it all, I actually want the life he has for me.
We are reading 'Follow me' by David Platt and I am really mulling over and praying through this:
"We literally die to our sin and to ourselves- our self-centeredness, self-consumption, self-righteousness, self-indulgeance, self-effort, self-exaltation... And Christ begins to live in us, everything begins to change. For the first time, we realize who God is, what Jesus has done, and how much we need him. Our desires change. The things of this earth we once loved we now hate, the things of God we once hated we now love. Our wills change. We go wherever Jesus says, we give whatever Jesus commands and we sacrifice whatever it costs to spend our lives in uncompromising obedience to his Word. Posessions and position are no longer our priorities. Comfort and security are no longer our concerns. Safety is no longer our goal because self is no longer our God.The more we glorify him the more we enjoy him."

That is an awful big truth. One too big to take in one sitting. This is years in the making for me and I am no where close to mastering, nor will I ever. But my eyes have been opened. I have seen Him for more of who he is. I can't go back to easy and be content.

Proverbs 24:12 reminds me that  'Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know and holds us responsible to act'.

Which leads me to one big lie and my big truth #2

 I am a pretty "good" person.

Growing up, I sort of did the right things. My mistakes when I compared them to others seemed minor. I wasn't in the party crowd in high school or college. I shared my faith with friends, I didn't drink, smoke, have sex outside of marriage, or for the most part even cuss. I grew up in church when the doors were open- youth group, sunday school, big church, mission trips, choir, beach trips, etc. This only puffed up my pride and as God says so prophetically, Pride comes before a fall.  All of this was a recipe for internal disaster. Disaster because I was being deceived. I "gave my life to Christ" several times, rededicated it on those emotional trips, and did the motions of church. Beyond just motions, I did feel it too. I loved God with all my heart. I just knew very little of him. I had Jesus in my heart, my life just didn't really look different from the world.  I had no concept of the cross because I didn't understand it. How can a person who sees themselves as a 'pretty good person' really understand the depth of my adoption in Jesus? I didn't until Jesus really showed me throughout our adoption of Maran and Levi.

I am the one who deserved the cross. 

He substituted for me.

This has been a new truth sinking into the depths of my heart over the last 2 years. He has taken me to the bottom. I used to always envy the people that had crazy turn around testimonies, drug addicts to Jesus followers at the brink of death saved just in time. But now I realize I wanted that because I hadn't seen the contrast of my death to life experience. My "good girl" persona kept me from seeing the depth of my sin and the fact that my life was in opposition to the king and I deserved death. Even if I had only sinned once in my life (which is far from true), I deserved death. It took me years of walking in faith to understand in my heart there is no measure of sin. And then it took me a year of God forcing me to stare at my depravity in the face to actually believe I am the one who should've been hanging on the cross. Every lash, gash, and nail was for me. But he took it all for me. He absorbed my penalty. The depth of my sinfulness is beyond self-help. I needed a rescue. A savior.

My prayer for you is that you are leaning in and trading the whispers Satan tells you for the Truth Jesus is speaking over you. It is not the easy life, but it is the redeemed one,