That is pretty much what I should call November... November has left me wiped, defeated, and beat down just to be honest! I feel like I have been into the rink with Satan himself. From the little instances to the huge catastrophic events, that has characterized my November. I got an email from a total stranger, a friend of a friend of my mom back in August when news went out about our adoption. He said "be prepared...you will have spiritual attack like never before". I shrugged it off, knowing that I probably would but still gladly walking forward. Man. Isn't that the truth.
Picture this, I am in the Kroger parking lot hoping people won't look inside my car, I had pulled off the road because of the looks I was getting at stop lights as I cried my eyes out. So I was in the midst of a boo-hooing session to my sweetest friend, when she really changed my perspective. She pulled me out of that pit.
She said something like this...
"remember that book we read by Donald Miller about living a great story? Remember how he said great stories are rarely easy and smooth? That kind of story would be boring and less than impactful... great stories have resistance and opression, climax and sadness. They are often characterized by - struggle -. You've been praying to live a good story, one that will impact the kingdom, and maybe just maybe God is writing this into your story to bring him more glory."
She also shared with me James 5:13-16.
13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
And then the verse in 1 Peter 4:12-13 came to mind...
12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Satan wants nothing more than to destroy us right now. Weirdly enough, that is where I have found comfort and strength. This is my opinion only, but I think Spiritual attack is a good sign that you're right in the middle of God's will, otherwise...what threat am I to Satan? He knows two lives are about to be changed. A little boy and a little girl, somewhere in Kinshasa are sitting on a concrete or dirt floor right now, lost and abandoned as can be. Who knows what their path could have held. Prostitution, fighting in a rebel army, drugs, a life of begging or poverty. I don't know. But I do know that something is going to change for them. Yes they will still have hardships in our family. They will have to grow through years of trauma and neglect, but their path will be changed. They will have an opportunity to know God intimately. They will be loved and provided for. And apparently that is not on Satan's agenda.
So I guess he can let it loose on me. I am learning how to really put on the armor of God and try and get back up when I am down. I am learning how to depend on Him in new ways each day. I still fail like you'd never believe, let out my frustration on my kids or husband, or just feel defeated instead of resting in HIS victory. But I will be patient, as best I can, as I am here and look back to times knowing He is always faithful and look forward to a time when i see his glory revealed.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Entering In
First off...this post comes out of a lot of things God has been doing in my heart. Funny enough, he has been working on me through some blogs I have been reading. As I have followed along with sweet Ruby Grace's story here, God has really softened my heart to the needs, physical and emotional, our kids will have when they get here.
(Quick paraphrase of her story: her parents have adopted 13 kids or more and she was 6lbs when they met her in an orphanage and almost a year old. They adopted her and brought her home and thought she had hydrocephalous. Once they got her checked she had 12 cysts in her brain (doctor had never seen more than a kid with 2 in their brain) that needed draining with multiple brain surgeries. After the first surgery they discovered she is blind. She has had close death calls and still pulling through surgery by surgery. They have moved their lives and left their ministry to move to be close to the best children's hospital for her)
I have gone from being somewhat "scared" of these needs, to really honored to meet these needs with the best of our abilities. Then, I read two posts from a family who adopted Miles from the same city in Congo that we are adopting from, over a year ago. I was reading this certain post she put up this week about a minor corrective surgery he went through, then I clicked into the link from an older post about trauma and triggers. As I read her very vulnerable and powerful description of this account of his trauma shortly after bringing him home, God really spoke to my heart in a strange way. I read that terrible experience and felt no fear but actually felt this weird......
excitement....
Really God?
Now, I was not excited my kids would go through this or have been through such trauma that would lead them to banging their heads against the cabinet to get food. No. That broke my heart as did several other parts.
But, I was excited to be a part as God re-wrote their story from trauma to unconditional love. That trauma will always be there as a part of their story, but soon it will be the history of their story instead of the current. I am privileged to be a small part of their healing. I am excited to embrace a child that may not trust my embrace yet. I am honored to tell those children each meal that this will not be their last, that I will always feed them and clothe them. I am excited to tuck them in to a bed and say yes, this is your forever home, forever siblings, and forever family.
I was reminded of James 1:27.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
In...their...distress.
Yes... we will gladly enter in.
In their distress. God is calling me sweetly to THAT place. And he is making me strangely and unexplainably excited to go to that hard place.
(Quick paraphrase of her story: her parents have adopted 13 kids or more and she was 6lbs when they met her in an orphanage and almost a year old. They adopted her and brought her home and thought she had hydrocephalous. Once they got her checked she had 12 cysts in her brain (doctor had never seen more than a kid with 2 in their brain) that needed draining with multiple brain surgeries. After the first surgery they discovered she is blind. She has had close death calls and still pulling through surgery by surgery. They have moved their lives and left their ministry to move to be close to the best children's hospital for her)
I have gone from being somewhat "scared" of these needs, to really honored to meet these needs with the best of our abilities. Then, I read two posts from a family who adopted Miles from the same city in Congo that we are adopting from, over a year ago. I was reading this certain post she put up this week about a minor corrective surgery he went through, then I clicked into the link from an older post about trauma and triggers. As I read her very vulnerable and powerful description of this account of his trauma shortly after bringing him home, God really spoke to my heart in a strange way. I read that terrible experience and felt no fear but actually felt this weird......
excitement....
Really God?
Now, I was not excited my kids would go through this or have been through such trauma that would lead them to banging their heads against the cabinet to get food. No. That broke my heart as did several other parts.
But, I was excited to be a part as God re-wrote their story from trauma to unconditional love. That trauma will always be there as a part of their story, but soon it will be the history of their story instead of the current. I am privileged to be a small part of their healing. I am excited to embrace a child that may not trust my embrace yet. I am honored to tell those children each meal that this will not be their last, that I will always feed them and clothe them. I am excited to tuck them in to a bed and say yes, this is your forever home, forever siblings, and forever family.
I was reminded of James 1:27.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
In...their...distress.
Yes... we will gladly enter in.
In their distress. God is calling me sweetly to THAT place. And he is making me strangely and unexplainably excited to go to that hard place.
USCIS approval!
Yay!! I got an email from the United States Center for Immigration Services that our approval went through on Friday and is on its way to us!! Hooray! This took a lot longer than I thought it would...but our dossier is sitting translated in French at our agency waiting for this slip of paper before it can be sent off to Congo! Please pray for a speedy process and for a gracious, efficient, good hearted person to receive our dossier! Christmas has been a challenge thinking our kids are over there and not here cozy and celebrating with us....
Thursday, December 1, 2011
25 days of kindness...starting now!
So we had been thinking of ways to really focus in on Jesus this Christmas with the kids, now that they are a little older and understand even more. I think the temptation is to make it all about Santa and gifts and all of that. Here are a few ways over the years we have tried to keep our focus on the right things...
DISCLAIMER: In no way am I saying that I am doing things right and Santa/wish lists/whatever are wrong. Everyone has Christmas tradition, some from your family of origin, some you create as you go along your journey as a family. We have tried to be very strategic to come up with a plan to make sure our kids are exposed to a Christ centered Christmas perspective. I don't have all of the answers, nor am I doing everything right, but this is where we are right now. I am passing no judgement here.
1. We have tried to stay away from the idea Santa or pretend that he brings the gifts:
Yes...bah humbug I guess. But I don't know. The show of it all gets me down somehow. I had a hard time thinking about pretending that a man will come down our chimney and bring our kids gifts. Plus, Santa is exciting. So much so that we may just miss Jesus if we did Santa justice in the eyes of our 3 & 5 year old.
What we do: we have a book about St. Nick. I love St. Nick. St. Nick would fill the little orphans socks as they dried on the line with special gifts on Christmas eve. We talk about how Santa is reflecting generosity. But we do not celebrate Santa because that is more about what he will do for me.
In addition, i think the temptation as a mom is to withhold gifts or threaten to lose gifts "if you're naughty" or when you have a behavior issue with your child near Christmas, I know i am tempted to threaten to take gifts back or whatever. But I have to remind myself God doesn't show his love to us conditionally based on if we are naughty or nice. God blesses us with his love and forgiveness even when we are at our worst. This is why I give my kids gifts at Christmas, not because they have been nice that year/month/day. I give them gifts as a reflection of Christ giving us the best gift, no strings attached, unconditionally. That is why our three gifts sit under the tree from us.
Another reason I steer clear of the jolly man in red is the disappointment I felt as a kid when I found out it was all a hoax. And I also feel like I treated God like santa claus from about the ages of 3-13. I guess that is the only un-seen person I had to compare God to. So i would pray God my wish list and wait for it to come true, until I really understood who God is.
2. We have strayed away from wish lists: The idea of asking my kids to sit down and write out what they want just hasn't set right with me. This plays right in to the mess in our hearts, my own very much so included. Plus it plays up there little hearts to think they will get exactly what they wish for...and life rarely works like that. Thankfully so. It puts a lot of pressure on me to just get what they ask for instead of what the giver wants to get for them. So we do 3 gifts from John and I and a stocking. They don't know what they are getting nor do I ask. So far, even this year, Reese hasn't ever told me something she wants. I know this will change as she gets older and that will be a great discussion point about what Giving is all about.
One of the kids gifts this year is a sponsor child each in the AMAZIMA (amazima.org) program. They will be able to write letters to them through out the year, and I may be able to visit them when I go in April. They've already written the kids so that will be an awesome gift that gives both ways this Christmas!
3. We do a birthday party for Jesus- and we do it big! I let the kids make the cake mostly on their own and ice it, sprinkle it, put a big J in candy on it, etc. We sing, blow out the candles, re-light it and blow them out again, and sing. Its been a tradition since Reese was 4 months old and we love it! Its such a good reminder of what we are actually celebrating.
4. We want to have a spirit of giving: Since reese was our only, I have tried to make this month about giving. We clear out toy buckets and give away toys we don't play with and I ask the kids to part with one special toy that we can give to another. I don't want them to get used to just giving the leftovers or unwanted toys, so I ask them to part with a special one of their choice. We pack lunches for the homeless men and pass them out when we see them at the corner. We also do operation christmas child boxes and they pick all that goes in them and what age and gender they want their box to go to. Now this year we are doing.....
25 days of kindness! I am super excited about this and got this idea from the Christmas Angel and Lillightomine.com
http://lillightomine.com/light-em-up-2011.php
You can follow along with ideas of how to light up your community with giving!
Today was day 1 for us and they both took apples to their teachers with a picture they drew for them. We talked about why we are giving and doing acts of kindness and the kids were totally pumped for it! I was helping wheeler scribble down what he loves about his teachers when Reese handed me her finished artworks. One said:
"Miss Chiu- i lik beig with you. God loves you. Mary Crismis." and the next...
"Miss Pedrs (peters)- i lik yur hugs. God loves you. Mary Crismis".
Heart melt! I love that little girl's heart and how she boldly shares the love of Christ much better than I do.
Wheeler of course wanted me to write "I like throwing the ball with you Miss Beth." and "miss Gail is nice and fun". :)
So join me this month as we celebrate the best gift anyone can receive!
(and don't judge me for not liking santa... :)
Kylie
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
vocal processing from a single mom for the week....
so...my hubs has been out of town for 8 days over the last week and a half. this is not normal for us thankfully. Otherwise, I would be in an institution most likely... Satan has used this time to attack me. On the first full day he was gone, i was supermom. Got our daughter to school at the bright hour of 7:30am on time, lunch in hand, hair cutely put up, etc. Got ready and got our son leave the house at 8:40. Grocery store, cleaned the house, dropped off dry cleaning, back to pick wheeler up, then off to pick reese up. All with a great attitude that spilled over into my kids as we jumped on the trampoline, painted christmas trees (i rarely paint in our house with the kids because it takes 20 minutes to set up and clean up and they are done with it in 5), dinner on the table at the dark hour of 5:15, baths, tons of bedtime stories etc. I called my friend the next day and talked about how amazing it all was and how I was determined to have a great week, blah blah. Tuesday came and wednesday and it was all another story. The kids know what to do when Dad is out of town. They argued, made huge messes, went to bed terribly, wet the bed, and so on. Satan kept whispering in my ear...and you think you can do 4?
Fast forward to a great weekend together as a family and then John heads out of town again for these 3 days. Man, I am wiped. I am not designed to be alone. I don't just miss John bc of the help he is with the kids, i need some adult conversations as i plop on the couch, I enjoy laughing with him about some part of our day, I need a good snuggle/back rub to calm me down sometimes, I even just like sitting next to him. Instead, i caught up on Greys, read blogs for hours and hours, and went to bed early (for me at least, by 10:45/11 each night).
Its just been one of those days. The kids were making mad faces at each other in the car as soon as i picked up reese today. Reese was crying about it. Finally i slightly raised my voice and said "wheeler, stop it!". Then a voice from the backseat calls to me and says, Mom, "A soft answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15:1". Shoot. Guilt sets in, apologies go around the car, and we pull it back together. Let me tell you how it is getting put in your place by a 5 year old, but I am still thankful for it!
So, I have one more day on the count down... but I am choosing to not let this take me down! Even though I have pee on my clothes from cleaning another wet bed and I have not showered today... Yes, even on a day like this, I still want 4 kids. I know the adjustment will be hard, I know that I will be fighting years of trauma, loss and hurt with those kids. But I am excited to walk through it. Fearful at times, but excited mostly. Someone told me they will be so lucky to have parents like us. They are not "lucky"... They have been abandoned, they have been in some form of neglectful situation in an orphanage with no consistent form of love and comfort. That does not sound lucky to me. That will forever be part of their story and I will not try to hide it away from them. We will have to work through it. But, I will be blessed to have a chance to enter in to their story and be a part of what the Lord has for them...for all of us.
I probably should just delete this post, but since John isn't here, I needed some vocal processing time...
Fast forward to a great weekend together as a family and then John heads out of town again for these 3 days. Man, I am wiped. I am not designed to be alone. I don't just miss John bc of the help he is with the kids, i need some adult conversations as i plop on the couch, I enjoy laughing with him about some part of our day, I need a good snuggle/back rub to calm me down sometimes, I even just like sitting next to him. Instead, i caught up on Greys, read blogs for hours and hours, and went to bed early (for me at least, by 10:45/11 each night).
Its just been one of those days. The kids were making mad faces at each other in the car as soon as i picked up reese today. Reese was crying about it. Finally i slightly raised my voice and said "wheeler, stop it!". Then a voice from the backseat calls to me and says, Mom, "A soft answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15:1". Shoot. Guilt sets in, apologies go around the car, and we pull it back together. Let me tell you how it is getting put in your place by a 5 year old, but I am still thankful for it!
So, I have one more day on the count down... but I am choosing to not let this take me down! Even though I have pee on my clothes from cleaning another wet bed and I have not showered today... Yes, even on a day like this, I still want 4 kids. I know the adjustment will be hard, I know that I will be fighting years of trauma, loss and hurt with those kids. But I am excited to walk through it. Fearful at times, but excited mostly. Someone told me they will be so lucky to have parents like us. They are not "lucky"... They have been abandoned, they have been in some form of neglectful situation in an orphanage with no consistent form of love and comfort. That does not sound lucky to me. That will forever be part of their story and I will not try to hide it away from them. We will have to work through it. But, I will be blessed to have a chance to enter in to their story and be a part of what the Lord has for them...for all of us.
I probably should just delete this post, but since John isn't here, I needed some vocal processing time...
Monday, November 14, 2011
Adoption Update
We are officially on the waiting list!!! We are currently at #15! I don't know why this made me so excited when I saw the email in my inbox, because we have gone from one form of waiting to another....BUT this feels like major progress! instead of just waiting on paperwork or waiting on a home study, we are actually on a list waiting for our children! We may not travel until summer/fall 2012, but it still feels like we are moving toward it!
In other news, I am going to UGANDA! This has been a dream of mine since high school. I have tried twice to go to Africa and for random reasons (one being a positive on a pregnancy test as I was awaiting my yellow fever shot) it has never worked out, once even my money was raised! I am excited to go on this trip with Visiting Orphans and get to serve the orphans of Canaan's children's home, children that will never be adopted. I am also excited at the opportunity to help at the feeding program run by Amazima and Katie Davis. That book and blog has been a catalyst for so much in my life, I am excited to see the hands and feet of it as it serves the "least of these". I am also praying God moves in huge ways of clarifying my role in the orphan crisis beyond adoption.
Please be praying for these things, as well as for the rest of the clearances/approvals to come quickly since being on the waiting list is pending those things! I just sobbed at church yesterday while we were singing thinking "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come for you". Jesus' words. I interceded them for my sweet children. I hope they know we are coming for them!
In other news, I am going to UGANDA! This has been a dream of mine since high school. I have tried twice to go to Africa and for random reasons (one being a positive on a pregnancy test as I was awaiting my yellow fever shot) it has never worked out, once even my money was raised! I am excited to go on this trip with Visiting Orphans and get to serve the orphans of Canaan's children's home, children that will never be adopted. I am also excited at the opportunity to help at the feeding program run by Amazima and Katie Davis. That book and blog has been a catalyst for so much in my life, I am excited to see the hands and feet of it as it serves the "least of these". I am also praying God moves in huge ways of clarifying my role in the orphan crisis beyond adoption.
Please be praying for these things, as well as for the rest of the clearances/approvals to come quickly since being on the waiting list is pending those things! I just sobbed at church yesterday while we were singing thinking "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come for you". Jesus' words. I interceded them for my sweet children. I hope they know we are coming for them!
Monday, November 7, 2011
heavy hearted
My heart has been heavy the last week or two. It has hit me in a whole new way that MY son and daughter are laying in an orphanage somewhere, thousands of miles from me. Talk about no control...
I have felt a lack of control before. Tying on Wheeler's hospital gown as I signed a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if he didn't wake up from anesthesia, watching as Reese jumped out of the car on her first day of kindergarten.... but nothing like this.
My son may not have eaten today, my daughter may not have been hugged or kissed today, my son may have hepatitis from drinking water with fecal matter in it, my daughter may not be getting the nutrients she needs or go to bed hungry tonight, my son may not have been told I love you today, my daughter may cry herself to sleep, or may have learned to stop crying because no one comes. I.dont.know.
I have had a heavy heart lately. I think as a mom, our first gut instinct is to care for the very basic needs of our children. I cannot do this for our children right now. It has forced me to trust and cry out to God in a whole new way. It has hit me in a new way that I am totally out of control. But, it has brought me to my knees so quickly to realize that I can't hold my children, but He can. I can't make them laugh today, but He can. I can't tell them they are loved today, but He will for me. I am praying all of this in Jesus name. That they are fed. Filled with Joy. Comforted. Overwhelmed in love and a feeling of value despite what society has told them. I pray they feel adopted and not abandoned today. I pray they know God is holding them tonight when I can't. I pray in Jesus name that He is already knitting their hearts to ours. I pray they feel in their souls that their family is coming for them.
Then I pray for the other 147 million that may not have someone interceding for them. I pray God calls families to action on their behalfs. I pray they do not have to look at a cement wall instead of a mother's face for any longer.
Please join me in praying for our son and daughter, the 26,000 children who will die tomorrow of hunger,
and the millions and millions of orphans around this world. Only a BIG God can do something about this, I have no control, and I surrender that to the one who is in full control.
I have felt a lack of control before. Tying on Wheeler's hospital gown as I signed a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if he didn't wake up from anesthesia, watching as Reese jumped out of the car on her first day of kindergarten.... but nothing like this.
My son may not have eaten today, my daughter may not have been hugged or kissed today, my son may have hepatitis from drinking water with fecal matter in it, my daughter may not be getting the nutrients she needs or go to bed hungry tonight, my son may not have been told I love you today, my daughter may cry herself to sleep, or may have learned to stop crying because no one comes. I.dont.know.
I have had a heavy heart lately. I think as a mom, our first gut instinct is to care for the very basic needs of our children. I cannot do this for our children right now. It has forced me to trust and cry out to God in a whole new way. It has hit me in a new way that I am totally out of control. But, it has brought me to my knees so quickly to realize that I can't hold my children, but He can. I can't make them laugh today, but He can. I can't tell them they are loved today, but He will for me. I am praying all of this in Jesus name. That they are fed. Filled with Joy. Comforted. Overwhelmed in love and a feeling of value despite what society has told them. I pray they feel adopted and not abandoned today. I pray they know God is holding them tonight when I can't. I pray in Jesus name that He is already knitting their hearts to ours. I pray they feel in their souls that their family is coming for them.
Then I pray for the other 147 million that may not have someone interceding for them. I pray God calls families to action on their behalfs. I pray they do not have to look at a cement wall instead of a mother's face for any longer.
Please join me in praying for our son and daughter, the 26,000 children who will die tomorrow of hunger,
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