to the mamas in the trenches...

Recently I’ve been talking with several mamas in the trenches of motherhood. Mamas of new babies, mamas of rebellious two year olds, mamas that just had their second babies. I remember the days of screaming babies all too well. Some people say it fades from their memories and it is just a blur of happy moments strung together now, forgetting the tough times and hard days. Maybe it is either too deeply etched in my heart or not enough time has passed for me yet. I remember the countless hours Reese would scream, as her reflux burned her chest until she would projectile everywhere to get a moments relief before the next wave of screams began. I remember holding my newborn and watching my 18 month old tantrum while Wheeler screamed as his 3^rd, 9^th, 15^th, 25^th ear infection came and went. There was no way to calm him, I remember just sitting him in his crib and leaving the room because I felt so inadequate to help him, so confused why he wouldn’t stop crying, so helpless and defeated.

Somehow as moms we have coached ourselves that a “good mom” doesn’t feel like this. That a good mom always is oozing with love for our children and never struggles to keep her own identity while battling losing it in a child that is demanding so much. Society has told us that moms have to have it all together, look the part, have the clean house, beam with each pregnancy, and have a fit body while toting around our well-behaved children that we adore every minute of every day.  Can we just have some freedom here? Freedom to feel the feelings we have?  I’ve had to learn to give myself grace upon grace and seek what I cannot find in Him. I am so thankful that God says he is most powerful in my weakness. That if I am going through a time of "suffering" in motherhood or marriage it is for his glory. That his power is about to be dispersed right into my deepest weakness. 

Once we adopted two more and now had a 6 year old, nearly twin 4 year olds and a 1 year old, I felt at times I had to keep up a front that it was all perfect. Because after all, we fought to bring these kids into our family, we wanted this, we chose this path, we knew what we were getting into and that there would be tough days and seasons ahead.  But that still doesn’t mean there aren’t hard days, hard weeks. Days where I don’t feel like being a mom, days when four kids just feels to hard, days when I lose my patience, days when love is a choice, not a flippant oozing emotion that emits from my being. And I have come to terms that it is ok. God’s love fills in the gaps, God’s grace covers a multitude of my flaws. Sometimes I just need to cry out for God to fill me up when I think I am losing myself in the mix of it all. I need to step back and remember his faithfulness and anchor my identity and value in Him. I need to ask again to see it all with his eyes and respond with His words, not my own faulty ones.

Satan shouts loudly at us women. That we have to have it all together, discipline biblically every time, know exactly what our child needs, feels or thinks, keep our marriage running with ease after a day of pouring out to our kids.

Newsflash. I can’t.

Satan shouts loudly, but God is our shield. I’ve been claiming this verse in Psalm 3 this week.

Psalm 3: 3-5. But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me.

Because lets face it, moments that look like this are more familiar than......

ones that look like this.... :) Or is that just me?

So to you other mamas, who find yourselves in the trenches, come on in. It’s better when we are down here together!