The week of waiting....

Habakkuk 2:3(msg) And then God answered; "Write this, write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming- it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time.

Psalm 130:5- I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Last week we were faced with a weighty question.  We had laid eyes on our treasures and now it was in our court.  We were asked, will you accept the referral of these two children without knowing the status of their HIV tests?
My answer had been a flagged in my heart for a few months now.  God had been planting a seed in me should it come to this.  When we first started this adoption journey, and actually even before- when I would dream about it in high school or college, this was my only fear.  Special needs. It had once seemed like such a weighty phrase. But God has used the journey of adoption to open my eyes to what I thought was in my control and has been in God's hands all along.
When this question came I started my research. I poured myself into what it would look like to have a child with HIV.  By God's grace alone I fully surrendered and accepted that the Lord would do what the Lord wanted to do as we walked forward in obedience.  Surprising to myself, I felt total peace in a place where I would normally be swallowed by anxiety of the unknown.
I passed the question along to John, slightly fearful of his response. He was quiet for about 10 seconds and then began to speak.  This is pretty quick for John who usually processes big things like this alone before coming back to me on it.  We had discussed correctable special needs and drawn our line in the sand that we were fine with that.  But this had only briefly entered a few discussions and when it did, I think I was the only one commenting on it.   John spoke and said something to the effect of that these kids need a home and God led us here, he will lead us through that when it comes.  He said "God wouldn't turn them away, so I guess we shouldn't either. We should pursue it regardless of their HIV status or any other disease for that matter."
Wow. My it was as if our hearts had synced in a way we could have never worked towards or crafted. God had united us on this huge issue separately.  I felt like we should celebrate but it was also an extremely solemn moment as well.
My heart flashed to doctors appointments, prescription filling for ARV's, the hard discussions about their marriage in the future and their condition.  But yet I still felt peace.
We continued the discussion, acknowledging the difficulties that it would bring, but also just looking at the situation the best we could from God's perspective.  In light of what Jesus has done for us on the cross, it became harder and harder for us to say no.  These aren't our kids regardless of what the court documents say at the end of all of this, this is God' son and God's daughter. God would not look at these children and see a label of HIV, he would just see his child.  And I think he would hope we would too.

(these sweet Ugandan faces still call me back)

Then the waiting came. The test was run on a Friday and results were supposed to be back monday or tuesday.  For some reason, I didn't find myself anxiously checking my email for them.  I felt calm in a way only God could orchestrate because I normally default to somewhere between stress and anxious. Monday and Tuesday came and went and then passed Wednesday and thursday. Friday morning I was checking my email to see if my power of attorney had been finished and then I saw the subject line.
Again, only by the spirit did I not internally freak out.  For the first time in a whole new way, I felt totally surrendered to whatever it would say. I opened the email and saw the words.
Your children are HIV negative.
Strangely enough I felt gratitude, but not a feeling of relief like I would have thought I'd feel.  In my mind I imagined if I saw those words it would be like a load off my shoulders or a huge sigh of relief.  It really wasn't. Maybe I had just resolved that they would be positive and I was ready to embrace it and walk forward in our family. I don't know even how to explain it to you. For all we know the results could be inaccurate. But regardless of the outcome, I am thankful to our Big God that used this waiting to develop in me yet another layer of surrender.  Yet another lesson that I am not the one in control.  That God may want to use me if I am open to him. That God has a story to tell with these two little lives across the ocean from me.
The more I dig in and rest in who God is and what he has given me in Christ, I cannot help but respond in utter amazement and joyful obedience.  God gave his son on a cross and watched his body be torn apart so that he could call you daughter, that he could call me his child. He is the one I want to surrender to, not my own flawed, selfish, fear driven plans.  What a joy to rest in the one who cares for me.
Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.
Ps 63:3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.